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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24282805">The Truth Untold (Will You Catch Me If I Fall?)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius'>JamlessGenius</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lost in Translation (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Characters React, Depression, Fate Gets Tired Of The Bullshit And Flings The Truth In Their Faces, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Injury, Not Canon Compliant, Plotting, Self-Denial, Self-Harm, The truth is revealed, keeping secrets, tiny bit of magic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 22:14:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,821</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24282805</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaewon had done so well.<br/>He’d hid everything so well.<br/>So well, in fact, that it takes a mysterious comic’s intervention to pull off the mask he’d clung to for so long. But when the ugly strings holding it up are ripped back, the members all see what he had helped hold up for too long.<br/>And Jaewon intends to run away from it.<br/>When towers and webs get too built up, they crash to the ground. When everything builds itself up and Jaewon falls, can the world take the impact?</p><p>(This is canon with the WEBTOON Original Comic Up to Episode 14, the rest will be discussed up to 15. Then I’m gonna jump off canon.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Everyone, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Kang Dongho | D. Min, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Kim Daehyun, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Lee Minsoo, Minor Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Junsu (Lost In Translation)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>216</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We’re trapped,” Minsoo groaned and banged on the door. Dongho only rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Chances are, this is a prank. And there’s even a phone on the floor.” Daehyun slid between them, at the rising ire in their eldest’s voice, to placate the two.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So let’s call someone! No big deal!” He beamed and opened the phone, but paused. “There’s no phone app? There’s no apps at all! Just this weird blank one with no name! Heck, there’s no time or wallpaper, just the default wallpaper and a little white square.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The others leaned in, Minsoo grabbing at the phone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Wyld, in his usual fashion, stayed back.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Upon opening it, there was a comic. Minsoo’s eyes lit up.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s us! But... it seems centered around Jaewon?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At his name, the aforementioned idol walked over, only to pale.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Those were our outfits during our performance.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Whose thoughts are these? They’re depressing,” Dongho turned to the group. Jaewon’s eyes hardened, taking the others aback, their typically detached member reached and scrolled down. Well, that answered that, didn’t it?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It seems this was our discussion afterwards. I remember this,” he pointed to the image of himself shutting the television off. The others said nothing, eyes only on the thoughts displayed above Jaewon’s head. Sure, he was quiet, typically fiddling with his clothes over talking to them, but was that why? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon didn’t acknowledge it, so neither did they. But maybe they would. Minsoo scrolled down.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The reality and the truth will somehow become lost in translation? Why are you in chains, hyung?” Daehyun turned to a stock-still Jaewon. Minsoo turned slightly to him before immediately flipping to the next chapter. It opened with a false magazine cover, with the name as Lost In Translation, and Wyld on the cover, the white words “idol under fire for inappropriate behavior,” pictured like a magazine feature. Their eyes turned to the aforementioned idol, who only leaned over to scroll further down- revealing conversations between fans. At the sight of Daehyun’s nudging, their makane paused, white-faced.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I actually said that,” he turned to the others. “Those were the things I said. Those scenes are things that happened with us. Is this comic supposed to be real?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho pursed his lips, before moving in himself to scroll down. Their eyes drifted to Jaewon at the image of their fan’s reaction, as Daehyun’s confused expression grew more solid on his face. To their surprise, it was a resigned look on the red-haired idol’s face, that made them return to the comic more from awkwardness than desire to continue at that point.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And at the sight of both of them at separate tables and the texts from the CEO, something began to form a little more clearly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This is really us, isn’t it?” Minsoo stared at the images from Daehyun’s parting comment to the posters that actually lined their company’s walls. These were details that fans didn’t actually know. There was no way their fans could have known- even the most stalkerish of sasaeng.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At the cutoff where their CEO greeted Jaewon, there was a hitch of breath. Almost imperceptible, but loud in the secluded closet. Minsoo and Daehyun gave him worried glances, and it was Dongho who moved to open the next chapter.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At the top, once again, was the same magazine cover, with a differently dressed and posed Wyld. And underneath, the comic continued, not where it had left off, but with the other members at the chicken place. At Dongho’s comments, which the ones present at that dinner knew to be word-for-word, all of them turned to face Jaewon- but his face remained unchanged. The same expression they saw when he was to meet their CEO in both real life and in the drawings. Resigned. It remained that way through what seemed to be Daehyun’s thoughts and Dongho’s last comment.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s... kinda creepy,” their youngest finally said. “Those were the things we said when nobody else was watching, and I know for a fact that those were the thoughts and images in my head.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This feels a little invasive,” Minsoo giggled, “but we are bandmates! Best bros! Nothing new for us to invade each other’s minds!” His voice rose to a joking tone. But it was true, bandmates were supposed to be close, but not like this. And in other groups, maybe they were that close. But not in MAYHEM.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At the awkward excuse, the scene of Wyld and their CEO opened. Dongho scoffed at the visibly shaking idol, but Minsoo and Daehyun stared in shock. It was a few seconds before they realized that Jaewon had walked away, and continued to scroll.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But it was when their bandmate began to talk that they realized that there was something missing from their understanding.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This is what you wanted?” Daehyun breathed. Jaewon refused to look at them, or reply, forcing them to seek their answers in the comic. They jolted back at the image of their CEO laughing, and praising his action, before dismissing him to meet with the girl in the picture. And it closed with Daehyun bringing him home from the snow. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Wordlessly, they opened the next chapter. With yet another magazine cover with a different Wyld at the top. Same article, same name. At Daehyun and Jaewon’s conversation, they both turned towards the blonde.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This happened,” their youngest confirmed, not needing a word of question. At the brief moment of their mysterious member’s thoughts, they all looked at each other in confusion, a twinge even crossing the normally stoic Dongho’s face. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They watched the conversation between their younger members when Daehyun suddenly spoke.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I did wonder why he faded into silence, back then. Was this it?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They turned towards their redheaded member, who still did not face them or reply. But the next shot was of them backstage, watching an female idol group. It was very much their typical banter. But they paused. <br/>This also had happened.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But that wasn’t what grabbed their eyes. It was Wyld, this time. At Daehyun’s offer, they saw Jaewon break out into a smile they rarely saw without a camera in front of him anymore. Minsoo stopped to look at the back of their “rowdy” member’s head, before returning to what appeared to be Marshmell-O. At Minyoung’s confirmation of knowing Daehyun, Minsoo and Dongho laughed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So she really didn’t need a reminder of who you are,” Dongho commented. Minsoo frowned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t remember Minyoung being like that, though?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun said nothing, eyes regretful as he elected to continue scrolling down the comic, through the women’s conversation and into the next chapter. Once again, a different outfit on the same magazine cover before the comic itself started, and still not a word from Jaewon. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At the next chapter, which all the members reading knew had happened, in those exact clothes, stopped at Dongho’s thoughts.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This is the first time it’s your thoughts. Are they true?” Minsoo gaped at their eldest, who only nodded. With a reprimanding slap, they returned to reading. It was awkward, almost invasive? But there was something eating at the other members, curiosity boldly dragging them forward. What was the comic trying to say about Jaewon?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The difference in thoughts between Dongho and Jaewon were almost funny, but a bit sad too. Why was he so excited to spend time with them when they were always available? Did it have to do with what it had said about ostracism or seclusion? Or that meeting with the CEO that they still didn’t fully understand?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The comic implied that those scandals weren’t what really had gone down, but was that true?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But at the awkward point of Minyoung flirting with an extremely uncomfortable Wyld made Minsoo laugh. Dongho paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Was that why he clung to my arm?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And that was the last straw for Minsoo, who began to laugh, before they saw an extremely upset Jaewon after he’d escaped to the men’s room. That sobered him instantly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But his face entirely fell when he saw Daehyun walk in on Minyoung kissing Wyld. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">In the image, the shock in his eyes was evident, and they felt obligated to scroll to the next chapter. In the image on the magazine at the start of the next chapter, they noticed the English on his shirt.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It says ‘I can’t say it,’ in English,” Dongho translated at their inquiring look, taking the phone from Minsoo to continue scrolling. The other two kept their eyes glued to Jaewon’s running away or the conversation between Daehyun and Minyoung. They blinked in shock at the interaction between the man and woman from the coffeeshop, both with Jaewon and each other.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Are those tattoos?” Daehyun stared in disbelief. “They’re so blurred out that they look a bit like dirt!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Censorship,” Dongho sighed. “The first time they censored something in this invasion of privacy.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But their mouths were glued shut upon seeing the phone call, and Minsoo audibly gasped upon seeing the image on their CEO’s computer. Dongho paused, before he began to scroll up instead of to the next chapter.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s his phone,” Dongho suddenly pointed. Minsoo blinked.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Aww! We’re his wallpaper!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, next chapter,” Dongho decided, and opened it to another magazine cover. This one had a smiling Wyld emblazoned on it. Daehyun laughed a little at the conversation between their eldest members before paling at the image of himself taking out a photograph.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You showed him that photo of Minyoung? That’s Minyoung?” Minsoo gaped at their youngest, who sighed and nodded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This entire conversation happened. I can tell you for a fact that everything you can have me verify, did happen.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Strangely enough, same with me,” Dongho’s expression was pensive as he agreed. Minsoo sighed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“There’s not enough about me to confirm!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon still said nothing.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then they saw Minyoung look at herself in the mirror, and their hearts broke for her. They turned to the silent Daehyun, who moved to the next chapter wordlessly into a smiling Wyld again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I like when he smiles,” their youngest said instead of anything about Minyoung. But it seemed that it was what had to happen because their next chapter opened to him in middle school.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This was how you met?” Dongho asked. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah! Her voice was super pretty, and I had to meet her,” their youngest confirmed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What a jerk,” Minsoo only said when they saw what he’d overheard. But Daehyun just stayed quiet, even when the comic returned to post-debut. But what made them pause was the words in the thought bubble above Jaewon’s head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wasn’t this the fansign before she reached out to you out of the blue?” Dongho turned to Daehyun, who nodded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo only opened the next chapter,</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“O-Kay. He’s biting his finger but it looks so funny!” Minsoo giggled at the magazine cover before starting the actual story. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Look at him! He’s so cute!” Their leader cooed over Wyld’s reaction to the penguin, but he paused upon seeing his anxiety. Dongho seemed lost in thought, himself. Then the story cut to Minyoung, and the meeting. At their CEO’s words, they paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He wasn’t normally like this to them. At least, to the ones reading. It seemed fitting that in the next opening magazine cover, Wyld’s smile was gone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He’s not smiling. This chapter isn’t going to be pretty,” their eldest sighed. But at Minyoung’s moment of victory was lost upon the utter surprise on Wyld’s face when what he wanted was brought up. It broke their hearts a little.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But Daehyun smiled, big and wide, when they saw Wyld refuse. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He said no? I wonder how many times he could have before,” Minsoo mumbled, more to himself than any of them. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m almost proud of that,” Dongho noted.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And if they saw Jaewon’s jerk of surprise, they were silent about it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Come on! A cliff hanger?” Minsoo grumbled. “I hate these!” Daehyun laughed a bit but Dongho rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Just open the next chapter, it’s available.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But there was palpable relief when the next chapter had Wyld smiling on the magazine cover again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And Daehyun only smiled wider when Minyoung took back her agreement. But all their smiles shattered upon seeing their CEO’s rage. And the other company’s CEO’s response. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If we were under his company, would MAYHEM be like this?” Daehyun asked Dongho, who said nothing. But they all paused at the conversation between the two, or at the fond expression drawn on Jaewon’s face when Daehyun put his head on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I didn’t really noticed how he looks at us,” Dongho commented. But Daehyun turned to stare at the man sitting apart from them.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So hyung was the reason she called?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No response.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, his hair is moving in this one.” Dongho blinked at the next chapter’s opening magazine. “So is his mouth?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Is it supposed to be wind?” Minsoo took a guess. “What does his shirt say?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in,” their eldest replied. “You guys seriously need to hone your English skills.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sure, sure,” the makane giggled. He giggled still at Minsoo’s grumbling or the worry on Jaewon’s face when he got hit by the door.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That hurt, you jerk!” Minsoo hit Daehyun- who kept laughing. From where his head was, Daehyun could swear that there was a fond grin on Jaewon’s face, but he just sat back up to continue scrolling. The fear on Wyld’s face or the exasperation on Dongho’s seemed so normal it made all of them a little upset.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Had they truly known what was going on in their most private member’s life? For someone all over the Internet, was there much that was even true?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the comic ended there. There was nothing else. None of the meeting or of them. And Jaewon wasn’t looking at them. But when the comic ended, it was as if the tension in their troublemaker’s shoulders lessened, if by a hair.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo was blunt in his contemplation.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How much of that was true? Everything about all of us was, but does that mean everything about Jaewon was?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It‘s just a comic,” the until-now silent redhead sighed, before moving to bang on the door. Over the banging they could barely hear his voice when he spoke again. “It doesn’t matter.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Help arrived, and once again- he was carted off to a meeting with the CEO while they were sent home. By noon the next day, a picture of Wyld leaving the closet backstage was circulating with a false headline. He hadn’t hooked up with anyone in there at all!</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho was the first to phone the others.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Something was wrong, here. But what was strange, now that they noticed it, was that the company said nothing. In fact, there was another meeting to be between Wyld and their CEO the next day.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This feels dangerous, but maybe we should... go in? Maybe even barge in and solidify his innocence like a drama!” Minsoo had proposed, but it was clear to the others that he was just curious. They had forgotten the strange phone in Jaewon’s bag, and he had not said anything about it so they didn’t ask. Had more been added to the comic? Why had Jaewon said nothing about that strange comic that delved into their thoughts and maybe even his? Why had Jaewon never said anything about anything anymore? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was all too easy to lie and say that they wanted to wait for their fellow member outside the office, despite the confusion from the higher ups who knew the boys were not as close as they had been.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m making sure the photos of the other boys don’t get out, don’t let them get into a situation like that again.” Their CEO was lecturing Jaewon. But why had he done nothing about Wyld’s pictures? Dongho’s face took on a scowl that didn’t mean anything good.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I understand.” The boys looked at each other, that was Jaewon. No doubt.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I said I wanted you to create scandals! Not them!” Their CEO suddenly yelled, making the eavesdropping members exchange worried looks. Had they really misjudged him? Was the mystery comic true about everything? And why did he say nothing about that?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know that, we were locked in the closet.” He replied with that confidence that they only saw when Jaewon became Wyld was there, not dissimilar to the meeting from the comic. But their CEO had his own worries, it seemed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You don’t know who had done it?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So there’s someone who can testify that you were not hooking up in that closet?” Their CEO’s voice took an odd edge. Jaewon’s voice was nigh-robotic in reply.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That is what I’m saying, yes.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We need to find them and silence them. Immediately.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That was it. Suddenly everything did and didn’t make sense. The comic was as real as if they were the characters. But why had it been shown to them? How had it been showed to them? And why did Jaewon refuse to talk about it?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Wouldn’t he be relieved for them to know?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When can I stop? Making scandals, I mean?” His voice was quiet, contemplative.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When your fan base becomes secure, we can clean up your image.” The response felt so practiced, like he was giving a reassurance he had before. And it sounded like bullshit. Their fan base for such a new group was shockingly secure. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Our fanbase is not yet secure?” Daehyun wondered. Dongho seemed to catch on.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because we got so big from the free publicity. It’s all based on how much media attention we get- and what we do is because Wyld is always in a scandal. The CEO doesn’t care if Wyld is branded a man-whore for the rest of his life, if the rest of the group gets numbers and views, it’s a success.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He made him into a... fall guy of some sort,” Minsoo growled, face red with rage. Dongho slapped a hand over the leader’s mouth, pressing a finger to his own lips. They needed to be quiet. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why? Do you want to stop?” Their CEO offered, making them pause. There was something else hanging in the air there, and their CEO continued with just that. “But does it really matter anymore? What’s real or fake?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We have been over this, Wyld. It doesn’t matter if every article has not a single word of truth in it. That publicity made MAYHEM big, don’t you realize?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon didn’t say anything the others could hear through the door. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The other members work very hard too,” their CEO continued. “You don’t want to take that success from them, do you?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho had to physically restrain Minsoo, and Daehyun could see their eldest brimming with his own rage.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What matters more to you, Wyld?” The name fell from their CEO’s mouth in the most unpleasant tone. It sounded sleazy and it made anyone who heard it feel dirty. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Again, the idol did not respond to their company head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You? Or them?” Their CEO continued to goad the clearly silent Jaewon. To their surprise, all Jaewon said was an apology.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry for being careless in the first place. I should know better by now.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There was a weight to his words that gave them a second meaning. Anything that he ended up in, the most innocent of scenes, could and would end up being twisted. And then it could continue, Wyld would be attacked by Netizens and the other members (and therefore the group) would gain fans by being compared to him. And so their numbers would rise. It was a sick cycle that would take anything out of context if it could. And nobody would ever defend him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The weight was lost on their CEO, whose voice returned to the jolly tone he used with the others.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Go on and join the others. You all should get some practice. Numbers or not, you’re all rookies!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A hollow laugh came from Wyld.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I understand, have a nice day, sir.” The others dove behind a corner to watch a melancholic Jaewon pause and stare at the carpeted floor. He was clearly in thought, about something. Fans who liked to look beyond his “wild and sexy” side often said that he had some of the deepest pondering eyes of the group. Even next to D.min.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They watched as he glanced out the window and let out a broken sigh.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Who matters more to me? Isn’t it obvious?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon picked up the bag, staring at the mysterious phone that gave them more truths than the people around him did.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s always been MAYHEM. So it doesn’t matter if I become a stranger. They’re happier if things are like this, aren’t they?” Their second to youngest crouched down and looked at the phone as if he were speaking to it. “Why am I getting so worked up over a silly comic revealing everything? It’s just some drawings. And you know you can tell them that. C’mon, Jaewon, you have things to be doing.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They watched him slap his cheeks and march out, the same expression he normally kept. Not blank, but just a notch friendlier.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We just were looking for you, hyung!” Daehyun called out. “We were wondering what was taking so long! Let’s go practice!” Their makane threw out all his charms and wrapped his arms around the smaller redhead. Something unreadable flashed across Jaewon’s face before he nodded.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Let’s go. You didn’t need to wait for me.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There was a silent question in his tone about why they had. After so many of these meetings, what good reason would they have to come now? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But all those meetings, had they all gone that way?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s just a comic, you guys do know that?” Jaewon paused, eyes searching their expressions. “Nothing happened at the meeting, he just asked me for clarification since I’m the one whose pictures always end up online. He did say he’d look into whoever locked us in there!” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That was barely the truth, and it was stretched so very thinly over that innocent smile on Jaewon’s face. The other members said nothing, but Minsoo made a point a faux-sighing with relief.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Do you want us to clarify on social media?” Dongho suddenly offered. Jaewon looked stunned, a little touched. It was the same expression that was drawn on his face at the meeting with Marshmell-O’s CEO. It was as if they were looking at something magical brought to life, seeing it drawn in lines before on the face of the person. How many times did his innocence need to get hammered in for them to realize that Jaewon wasn’t that type of person? But he broke into a chuckle.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, company policy with my mistakes is just to boldly ignore and not feed into it. The CEO explained that scandals are all a marketing tactic to sell products. Everyone’s gonna look for one to make it big. Don’t take it to heart.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">To sell products. A marketing tactic. Everyone’s gonna look for one.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Well if that didn’t send ice creeping up some spines. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Still! If anyone asks me, I’m telling them I was in the closet with you! Not a girl in sight!” Minsoo huffed. It was a such small and meaningless sign of support but Jaewon paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You should ask if that’s okay. You don’t want any rumors to spread about you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He refused it, too. The smallest bit of someone standing in his corner, just an offer- and he wouldn’t take it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And you?” Dongho leveled a glare at the second youngest. Jaewon took it with a smile.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s nothing new to me. When it comes to lies and truths, what’s one in a sea of the other?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What do you mean, hyung?” Daehyun wrapped his arms around the redheaded idol who laughed. It was a chuckle, but something underneath was so very bitter. If they hadn’t seen the mask get put back on, they’d have believed in its truth too. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Nobody wants the truth, they want headlines.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s a bit harsh,” Dongho noted. Wyld shrugged.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The reality and the truth will somehow become lost in translation. It’s just like that.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The familiar sentence made the others glance between themselves. Minsoo swallowed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How bad would it be for me to say I was there, then? Oh great viewer of the netizens?” The comment was teasing but the suppressed flinch made it clear that it wasn’t the message received. Dongho took over from there.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If you say you were in there, then the hooking up with a girl will change to Wyld hooking up with the leader. And an intragroup relationship hitting the rumor circuit is not a mess anyone wants to deal with.” Daehyun frowned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Isn’t that just fanservice? Like a fanservice stunt! I’ve seen other groups do those!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Not with me, it’s not,” Wyld’s answer was damn near predictable. “My reputation is what it is, but yours are pretty good right now. You don’t want to mess with that.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And hadn’t that always been the way Ahn Jaewon was? That self-sacrificing idiot who’d keep quiet about anything that could drag someone else down? Maybe fame did change people, but to turn him from their friend to the image he had? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They should have noticed sooner.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon was the kind of person to champion rights and fight against injustice for anyone else. But never for himself. And their CEO saw the opportunity and twisted that kindness into this refusal to accept that fighting back for himself was okay too. And that was... more than slightly enraging. Even the typically calm Daehyun’s nails were digging into the palms of his skin in hopes that Jaewon didn’t notice. Dongho had little to hide, his ever-present scowl only darker than usual. Minsoo focused heavily on biting his tongue as the quartet moved in silence. They said nothing towards the pointing fingers, but the moment anyone said a word towards Wyld, three venomous glares blazed towards that person. Jaewon didn’t notice, and whenever he looked around he had a confused expression on his face.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Weird, I expected to hear a lot of comments about the picture of me leaving the closet when I walked around today.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Those watching were probably at least a bit surprised to see the other three members lose their venom in a flash.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We were all there! Why is only your picture getting spread! It wasn’t even like you left the closet first of us or last,” Daehyun pouted. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t think too much of it. It’s all right,” Jaewon smiled at him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Cut the crap, Ahn,” Dongho cut in. “Of course we’d be worried when it concerns our groupmate.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I want to just be honest,” Daehyun pouted. Jaewon ruffled the younger man’s hair.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tell you what, if someone actually asks you, go for it. The company won’t get mad at MAYHEM’s baby chick.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sto-op!” Daehyun whined at the pet name, burying his face in his hands.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“‘Nd why w’d I?” Daegu satoori dripped from Jaewon’s mouth as Minsoo giggled. Dongho watched, the scene so familiar to their trainee days that it hurt. Not being the leader or cold member titles didn’t matter, he was the oldest and he should have noticed that there was something else going on. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Let’s go, we have practice to do,” Dongho urged. And it seemed to snap Jaewon straight back to earth. The teasing glimmer disappeared and his normal training expression slipped back on. The others noticed Jaewon- or was that Wyld?- subtly looking between them with confusion, and an underlying anxiety. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t know if they still liked him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Again, ice down their spines. He didn’t know if they appreciated how hard he worked. Or knew how much he cared about them. Or realized how much he’d sacrifice for their smiles. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Back in their dorm, the others fall into what’s nigh routine. Daehyun has a figurine belonging to Minsoo and he’s scrambling for it, Dongho is watching with an undisguised grin, phone out. And Jaewon is just... there. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho sneaks a look at him, eyes fond but something painful in them. He meets eyes with his fellow tall member, their makane, eyes gesturing towards Jaewon. Catching on, he yells out.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hyung! Catch!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He throws the figurine to an unprepared Wyld, and Dongho turned the camera to him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Give it back!” Minsoo screeched, running towards the significantly easier mark.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t!” Daehyun and Dongho called.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And poor Jaewon looked so confused, his eyes darting between the plastic in his hands, the tall duo, and their leader running towards him. Minsoo jumps at him for the plastic, playing with him as though he always had. It’s almost an instinct from their trainee days that Jaewon had probably long since buried, but he expertly turned away, and raised the figurine over his head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Daehyun, it’ll be easier for him to take it from me,” Jaewon tried, dodging Minsoo’s frantic swipes. Daehyun was just laughing at that point.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“C’mon hyung! You’re the second smallest! He’s so tiny that it doesn’t ma- have an impact!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho raised an eyebrow at the sudden word change, so did Minsoo and Jaewon.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why can’t you just give it to me?” Minsoo pleaded, and Jaewon paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why can’t I just give it to him?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You can’t!” Daehyun pouted, but a worried look spread across Jaewon’s face. His eyes darted between their pouting leader and pouting makane. His eyes just went between them as his face took on an even more unsure expression.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Just take it from him before his brain fries,” Dongho stepped in. Laughing, Daehyun plucked the toy from Jaewon’s slightly slack fingers, and the teasing continued. And Dongho kept recording.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When Dongho posted that video to his Instagram, it dawned on him that this was the first non-manufactured video of them hanging out. The fans noticed too, eager to see their new dorm. But what he didn’t foresee was their reactions to Jaewon.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Isnt Wyld a playboy?? He looks like a confused little kid here??’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Isn’t that the one idol bouncing between scandals? He seems so clueless and unassuming?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘^ i think u mean cute’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘And here I thought wyld being hot killed me but it looks like his cute side will do it again lol’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘There are tons of videos of Daehyun doing this, why does it look like Wyld doesn’t get it??’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘^ Yeah! I was curious too! What?? Hooking up takes all his time~~?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Sksksk pls he wants to make them all happy hes so conflicted’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘^ omg dmin actually had to step in im losing it’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Honestly this entire video needs to be tattooed on my forehead jaewon cutie:((‘</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘I- Wyld you can’t come for my heart like this??’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Tbh it’s obvious how fond of the other members Wyld is but I never got to really see them interact before Bc he always doesn’t want to disturb them this is so cute im-‘</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘If not for all the scandals he’d really have taken Korea’s heart huh’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘^ Lol when he was being made in heaven he was given a reckless streak because he’d be too powerful without it lol’ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Bb chick refused to say it doesn’t matter- cb info I smell???’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘^ omg and the way they all just turned to him so confused lmao’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Them: stop treating ur idols like babies they’re grown men. mayhem:’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Jaewonnie if that’s what you’re like with girls I wouldn’t mind if you did approach me kekeke’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Honestly how is this the guy that ends up with all the gals??’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Isn’t he supposed to be straightforward? Boi short-circuited there lol’ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I think you started a comeback rumor Daehyun,” Minsoo laughed. The makane just giggled evilly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Good, then we’ll probably get one.” He looked at Jaewon, “right, hyung?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Our company loves the media,” was the noncommittal response. The room fell into silence, an invisible barrier once again present. How long had it been there? Who had put it between them? And why?</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon was so excited about their dorm, and he tried not to think too hard about why they wanted to give MAYHEM one. But since that stupid comic, the others had been acting weird.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">To come and talk to him? Treat him like they had when they were fresh-faced trainees? Like they had before the CEO called him into his office and gave a special position? It pressed against the invisible walls that separated them. And those walls were glass, if it shattered, there’s be shards and someone would get cut. And Jaewon refused to let it be them. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he forces life on when it tries to stand still. He goes out and practices, stands purposefully apart from the others. He had almost forgotten that he wasn’t one of them. He wasn’t one of the boys. Their chaos could curl around him but his inclusion was a puzzle piece that didn’t fit. And sometimes that weight in his chest pressed down when he had to remember that. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The chaos that invariably came from their leader and maknae made noise that echoed through the entire house. It was such a small thing for him to hold himself back. He could love the other boys however he wanted to, but being with them wasn’t the way he got to show it. He hadn’t gained that privilege. Or maybe he’d lost it. And that just... hurts. It tugs at his self. But he refuses to be selfish. He’d said it to nobody but himself, and it was true still, as he lay alone in his bed. As he stared at the ceiling, and the tenses in his train of thought played around, he ignored the astronomical pull that tugged him towards the others. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t have the right to follow it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He tugged at his hair. He twisted a crimson strand between his fingers. Red was a color he really liked. It was just... not a color he liked on him. It was his own scarlet letter, he supposed. The brand of the way he’d sold himself out like that. He’d become the wild, loose, member that not everyone was comfortable seeing on stage- but he was their draw boy. Everyone knew his name and with his name came MAYHEM. He truly wondered if this was sustainable before fans would stop watching and boycott of he remained. Would they clean him up then? Or just discard him and let the others have the success that they’d all worked so hard for? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was a quiet fear that kept him awake on his lonely nights. Honestly now that he had a dorm, he didn’t intend to do anything but hide there in his free time. He couldn’t end up in a stupid situation again. If he could go for a week without scandal, what would happen? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I wish you’d join us sometime.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He hears it then, Daehyun’s voice. The blonde clearly doesn’t notice that he’s very much awake. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Can I?” He wants to ask. “Can I just stay with you and out of trouble? Can I get away with being Jaewon and not Wyld? Because I never really was?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He says nothing.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He knows that no group can afford a member who isn’t all in. And he is, just not the way he wishes he was. The way he thought he’d be when he auditioned. When he trained.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The footsteps stop, Daehyun is in his bed. Jaewon waits to hear his breath even out before he leaves his own and goes to the main area. He sat, staring out the window at the Seoul sky. It was void of stars.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He wondered if that should have been a sign.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he smiles. It’s soft, ephemeral. But it’s nice not to hide his bitterness the way he does in the waking hours. He searches for a single glimmer or twinkle. But it’s all been washed away. A small sacrifice in the grand scheme of the world, but something that should have told him something. He opened his phone, using the money he’d used for his rent once to buy a pack of glow in the dark stars online. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There were no stars in the sky, then Jaewon would paste them to their living room ceiling and find his own. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What are you doing awake?” Dongho stood around the door.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Finding stars,” Jaewon held up his phone displaying the stickers. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Finding stars?” Dongho blinked blearily. Not a typical look on the icy eldest hyung.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“There aren’t any in the sky,” he smiled bitterly. “Don’t worry about it, hyung. Get some sleep.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’s late at night when Jaewon takes the freshly bought stickers, the price was covered as a treat for an incriminating picture someone took of him looking at the roses at the flower shop across the street. He couldn’t do anything anymore, could he? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he placed them on the ceiling, and he smiled. They glowed in the darkness and he just lay there, eyes tracing the constellations he’d formed with the stickers. He didn’t care which member saw him. Instead, he let himself stare at the stars and remover that night when they were trainees. He’d pointed out the constellations and they’d laughed and ate too much cheap food and they were a family.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he missed that. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t do it because they’d drown. They were stars in his sky, and he was a well of water that would extinguish all of their brightness. He couldn’t bring them close.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he knew that.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He knew that. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t want people to hate him. To stay away from him like incompatible magnets. But when the others smiled and interacted with fans, he watched, and smiled.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Because suddenly everything was worth it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But even when he smiled, he held back. Chained it down. Because that last bit of himself would be twisted and destroyed once he let go of it. It was his.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And in the end, did it even matter? His smiles meant nothing. He’d smirk on stage and play the role because that’s what he did. Play the role. Now in the darkness, staring at the stars in the apartment, he recalled with satisfaction the smiles on the more expressive members’ faces. And a smile cracked it’s way across his face.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It didn’t matter if he had to make his own stars and twist his entire identity, suddenly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He hated that it didn’t. And that he couldn’t be the way he wanted. But when he saw their smiles. Nothing else mattered. He wondered what that said about him sometimes, that he didn’t regard himself as worth caring about. But instead, he wanted to just be happy. His norms were his norms, but alone with the slightly green sticky stars, he wanted to disregard all of that. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Yeah, what people said about him hurt a lot. It made him burn just a little with rage at the CEO who turned him into this. But what did he expect? He’d known being an idol was hard work, but the marketing side never dawned on him. He took the proposition, foolish one that he was. But the others didn’t even have to consider it. So when people insulted all the work he’d put into being an idol, he didn’t care.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Maybe when backlash got too big and the company dropped him, he could sue.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No, what a stupid idea. Who would ever testify for him? It would take a lot more of this. But his reputation was so destroyed that nobody would offer him a position. He couldn’t afford to leave the company either. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His position was terrifying and he regarded it as much. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon just stared at the ceiling. His brain refused to shut up, instead shoving the truth in his face. It was hopeless for him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He looked at the stars, bitterness creeping over his smile before it beat out the edges, dragging his mouth into a sigh, eyes falling. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fake stars were still fake, after all.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was such an odd thing for him to notice and think of at that time, but his mind suddenly went to go find the strange comic phone from his bag.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He hoped they would drop it and not try to find a next chapter. Because he really didn’t want the members to see what had happened next.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He sighed, and plugged his earbuds in, staring dimly at the starry ceiling while music blared in his ears. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was an idol with rules to follow and a role to obey.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But something in him had always rebelled. This wasn’t him. And the more he pretended, the more it tore him inside. He was angry, and angry that he was angry. And all that anger made him tired and hopeless. And with that hopelessness came a darkness.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So he stared at that darkness and took it in. Even if it left him more alone and more empty than before, he had nothing to lose. All that everyone else knew was a facade, and he knew it too well. There was nothing but what he was supposed to be, supposed to feel. And it wasn’t. Something was wrong with him, missing. He just wasn’t happy being an idol.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And that didn’t make sense. Because this job was one for making people happy. Idols were supposed to be happy too.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He wasn’t.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon sighed in the darkness.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The other members were so different, and yet they were all his opposite. On paper, they were a unit- but they were two sides of the same coin. Meeting each other, but never seeing each other fully. He worked so hard with them and he saw their camaraderie and easy happiness. And it was something he didn’t understand anymore. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Sometimes he looked in the mirror and questioned if he ever had. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he hates it. He hates himself and the person he has become- unclear anymore what his true self is outside of a persona. A false front. Nobody cares about who’s behind Wyld. Ahn Jaewon never mattered. It didn’t matter if Ahn Jaewon wasn’t happy. All that mattered was that Wyld completed the unit and caught the wrong, and therefore right, attention.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Even his bandmates, when other idol groups looked like brothers, were separate from him. They never tried to read too deep, despite occasional concern. Because they thought they knew him. He knew that they thought so- and that they didn’t know him. And there was no use telling them because he wasn’t selfish. Or maybe he was, for not wanting them to know that he’d sold himself out for their group to gain numbers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And that was a little funny, that every person who comes to contact with you somehow has a different version of you in their head, including you. None of the versions would ever be the same, many wouldn’t even be real. The real Wyld was scared of everyone. Who else had that idea of him in the world? Perhaps one of the others would be the one to feature in dramas, but to him? He was secretly the best actor in MAYHEM. And how sickening was that? But Wyld was honest, and he acknowledged what he was good at.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And if lying made them smile onstage like that? What did it matter?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It didn’t.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So for all that? It was a bit of a shock when his mask slipped enough for someone to grow suspicious, especially after so long. If he was honest, it was more yanked at than slipped, but he intended to keep his grip on it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon’s mind drifted to Minsoo’s comment earlier that day.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2"> <em>“You do know we can help you if something is wrong.”</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2"> <em>Stretching carefully, he stood back up, muscles burning.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2"> <em>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stood in front of the mirror, practicing choreography, nitpicking each move and comparing it to Minsoo’s. If he could make his moves a little sharper here, a little smoother there, a tad faster there- he’d be as well liked. And maybe then he’d be free from being painted with colors that weren’t his. The leader scoffed.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2"> <em>“You have no idea how much I notice you. And I know for a fact that you're thinner than you should be and you're keeping a harmful secret from us. From me. I may be one of the members taken less seriously, but I have eyes.”</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No he hadn’t. A comic had shoved a truth in their faces and Jaewon was trying to pretend it was a lie. He distinctly wanted to bury himself in anything else. Just so he didn’t need to think. So he could focus on outside, on anything but him. And so he didn’t get caught not creating scandals with no excuse to not be.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And so he didn’t need to face them.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">“I assure you, hyung. I’m fine.” Jaewon’s eyes were on his dancing. Minsoo gave him a look, long and contemplative, before he left Jaewon alone.</span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">As per usual.</span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">It was not a huge deal, he stretched and began to practice, movements deviating more and more from their typical choreo until he was free styling to different songs. Korean became English and lyrics became more unclear. But he continued to dance, moving limberly to the voices of the singers. He wanted to be better, needed to be better. If they were good enough, if he was good enough, they could be a scandal-less group.</span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon almost giggled at the notion, now looking at the plastic stars.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was always honest with himself, but sometimes it was nice to entertain the impossible. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was like whisky, heavy and burning. Melting through the clouds of his mind, the knowledge that they were hanging on by a thread and the well-hidden threats that looked over the clueless others. That the comic had only really shown so much. That something was wrong, and it was so, so, much worse than what the others probably thought from that stupid comic.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Sometimes he had nightmares about it being one of the other members. One of them being forced to take his role. Were they getting threatened behind the scenes too? Jaewon tried to keep an eye out. Because his own role be damned, he refused to allow any of them to wear his shoes. Ever. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo had taken the phone thing, hoping to find more information. There was a time gap between the comic and when they were living. It wasn’t quite so long- but it was long enough. To make him wonder what had happened next. To his surprise, there was one more chapter.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the contents... weren’t going to be pretty. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was yet another magazine cover, and it opened to a conversation he did have. It was down to his thoughts.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What are you doing awake?” Dongho’s voice startled him, his squeak of surprise drawing a bleary Daehyun.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hyung’s doing that thing where he lies down and stares at the ceiling again,” their makane reported. “Is that a new chapter?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” Minsoo admitted. “Come look, it’s about to answer a question that’s been on my mind for a while.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He rescrolled through the conversation, making them shake their heads at the leader.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Something tells me that a fade to white isn’t a good thing,” Dongho stated, looking at the screen.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At the words of their CEO, Minsoo cringed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That was my fault. Why is he blaming him?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because the CEO wanted him to be the fall guy, and knowing that- I guess it’s obvious what this meeting is about,” Daehyun’s pulled his knees to his chest, leaning his head on Dongho, who made no move to remove the blonde member.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That bastard,” Minsoo growled at the smug expression on Mr. Park’s face upon recalling their debt, but they all went white upon seeing Wyld object.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s a bad idea, hyung,” Daehyun whimpered. And it got worse when their CEO made him beg, foot on his crimson hair.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That bastard. That absolute bastard,” Minsoo seethed. There were tears running down Daehyun’s face. Dongho’s expression was the darkest mile wide stare imaginable.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And the scene cut to white.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s not good, and it looks like it’s getting worse,” Daehyun moaned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then it cut to a delivery girl, there for Jaewon. But it turned strange upon seeing her hug the door and promise to be together with him soon.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wasn’t that the girl with the penguin?” Dongho asked, the other two pausing.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And wasn’t this around the time we go a dorm?” Minsoo realized. “Fuck, why him? Our CEO is a monster and he’d been dealing with the brunt of that, and now a sasaeng?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A new chapter popped up the moment they finished, for the first time with a new face on the cover, albeit in the corner. It started with Jaewon’s thoughts, his discomfort with how he’d gotten where he was. But things got a little better, when a new person entered the frame.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They giggled at his interaction with the coffeeshop worker, before Minsoo paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why would he be used to injuries?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We are too,” Dongho pointed out. “What upsets me is that he doesn’t even want strangers to know he’s an idol.” Daehyun turned to him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Where did you see that, hyung?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Read faster,” the eldest rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Upon reaching the bit, matching frowns on the younger two’s faces appeared. They read through the tail end of that conversation at the tables.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He’s homeless?” Daehyun blinked in shock. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Not necessarily,” Minsoo and Dongho chorused. They turned to each other, the former surprised and the latter insulted. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They watched him stumble through an introduction, the same sweet person they’d met as trainees. And get a number. Tattoo guy had a name now, Jun. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But when he said he hadn’t made friends in a long time, the frowns returned and got deeper.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Are we not his friends?” Dongho frowned at Daehyun’s comment.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t know if we are anymore. Or ever were.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo hugged his knees to his chest.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Can we be friends again?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Maybe,” Daehyun smiled. “I think I’d like that.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the screen of the phone faded to white with words.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t like the look of that,” Minsoo groaned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And surely enough, they were back to his apartment, with a new addition.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t think that’s the landlord’s camera,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No shit,” Dongho muttered when the screen switched to the sasaeng learning his passcode.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There was another chapter, then, popping up. Another face was spotlighted as well this time, but the comic opened to the group chat.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I remember that trip,” Minsoo laughed. Dongho only shook his head, and pulled out his phone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s our chat, word for word.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I feel like I’m invading something I shouldn’t now. With this comic, the more it proves itself to be real and shows things like our thoughts. Like that,” Daehyun pointed to Jaewon scrolling through hate comments. “How often does he need to deal with it alone? I don’t know, and the fact that he does...”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t know if I should know it at all,” Minsoo agreed. The comic had been playful interest at first, before morbid curiosity, before it became their only source of information. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I think I want to know, but clearly he doesn’t want me to.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The panic over the stalker and the conversation with the guard hammered things home for them as well.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Would we even have believed him?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho sighed at the sight of the sasaeng under the bed. This wasn’t going to end well- if it told him the truth.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The only reason we believe this is because it gave enough information about us to believe it enough to eavesdrop on a conversation,” Dongho reminded. “We don’t know how the author of this comic knows, or why it’s being written- or how it got to us.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The others turned to him and frowned, he wasn’t wrong. He really wasn’t.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The next morning, they followed Jaewon to the coffeeshop he frequented, and their aloof member split off from them immediately. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They read through the new chapter, now that they were together without Jaewon. They were silent until the last scene.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That didn’t happen,” Dongho said bluntly. “He never came to me. He never called me. He never texted or visited.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That never happened?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho nodded.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The comic is wrong,” Daehyun frowned. “We know it’s not wrong about the scandals because we heard that in our ears but if it’s wrong about this one thing...” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We don’t know what else from his life is wrong too,” Minsoo frowned as he finished the thought. “Was that why he didn’t put much stock in the comic?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They all turned to the barista, who was in fact the tattooed one in real life, seeing the tattoos uncensored was the strangest part of seeing him. He was in conversation with their suddenly far more and far less mysterious member. He seemed to be upset about something, and Jaewon let out a huge smile. There was that odd thing in there that was present even when he smiled for them, but it irked them, just a bit, to see someone who’d known him for less time afforded such a smile.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The tattooed man said something and Jaewon choked, falling into giggles. They were not the same rich ones they knew; almost hollow and rusty. But they were real, and that was all that mattered.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Were they simply not enough to make him happy? Had they lost the right to earn those smiles and giggles so easily?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No. That wasn’t true. Jaewon had never hated them, it wasn’t fair to accuse him of such. The comic had revealed truths so far, so why was this different from what had happened? If that was the case, what was and wasn’t true? Yes, they’d learned that the scandals were fake. But what else was? They stared at their drinks, straining their ears to hear their conversation.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Have you told the others yet?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No. I don’t intend to,” Jaewon replied baldly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Do it. Take a chance, I’m begging you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When did the great Jun beg?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, shut up. I just don’t want to deal with the cops and talk to a manager super passive aggressively ever again. Do all the employees of your company make you want to break into hives?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Only some. Choi’s okay enough, all things considered.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ugh,” the tattooed man groaned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They looked at each other. And then they looked across the shop at their manager, sitting at a table, drinking coffee.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I have a question, Mr. Choi. Are you okay with answering it?” Minsoo strode up to the man, who was looking at something on his phone. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Of course, what’s up?” Their manager turned to smile at them. Their leader continued, bluntly asking.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why did we get a dorm?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wyld didn’t tell you?” The look on their manager’s face was beyond confused as they shook their heads. Daehyun sighed and fell into a pout. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Nope, all we know is some guy with tattoos is involved. Hyung said if we were so curious we should ask you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The lie about their most lied about member stung to say and hear. Even in its most harmless state.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, him,” their manager’s face took on an odd expression as his eyes trailed to the tattooed man. “He was hanging out with Wyld, for the life of me I don’t know why, when a sasaeng that had broken into Wyld’s house tried to attack them. He subdued her and called the cops.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They exchanged looks. So the sasaeng was true to world. But why wasn’t the comic? Why that one breach in reality?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why were you there?” Dongho finally asked, eyes interrogating. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I was actually on my way to pick up Wyld to bring him to a meeting,” Mr. Choi sighed. “That other guy was so passive aggressive about you guys not having a dorm, jeez.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They all laughed a little, hoping to ease more information out of their open book of a manager. Daehyun sat down on the chair next to their manager.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So how did we end up getting a dorm from that?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I was talking to Mr. Park about the incident and keeping it from news cycles because apparently he didn’t want to press charges,” Mr. Choi began offhandedly before Minsoo interrupted.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Who?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wyld. Anyway, I said that was an option, but Wyld said that this would be terrible press if it got out.” Their manager shrugged, “so I mentioned how that guy was surprised that we didn’t give you guys a dorm as rookie idols.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And that was it?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, it’s not like it’s so hard for a company like ours,” their manager shrugged. “Honestly that guy wasn’t wrong for finding it weird.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And then he returned to his emails.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho was with the others when he returned to the table. Maybe Wyld had wanted to reach out to him, but he couldn’t trust him because Dongho had hurt him too much. Maybe Dongho was supposed to be that figure, but he ruined it for himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Loved ones hurting each other was such an easy territory to fall into. So familiar. Maybe it was all he’d ever known.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Loved ones? Did Ahn Jaewon love him? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t deserve to be his hyung. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I want to yell at him, for not telling us, but I don’t want to hear a single person say a damn mean thing to him ever again.” Minsoo suddenly spoke. They turned to him and sighed. That was why he was the leader, he said what needed to be. Dongho wanted to ask him to say what he couldn’t make come out. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tell him that, then.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Would he even believe me?” Minsoo gazed mournfully into his americano, ice beginning to melt.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The eldest? Most experienced?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Did he ever know anything at all?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t feel like he did, in that moment. For all his emotional stoicism and seriousness- he had no idea how to handle vulnerability. Anyone else’s or his. And he didn’t feel all too strong now, in the face of his own mistakes.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon wanted to pass out. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Instead, they had practice.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Because this was show business. They needed to put on the right face to show the world. Breakdowns were for closed doors and empty schedules. Wyld has access to neither. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They continued like this, a painted on image that he could feel flaking off from behind it. Like too-old makeup that seemed beautiful to everyone else but on him felt uncomfortable and he could feel it falling apart. He wondered how much the rest of the world saw and how much of that fake feeling was in his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It made him want to scream. But he couldn’t because he was Wyld, he was in the company building, and they had work to do.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">How long were they going to pretend that everything hadn’t been revealed and all the secrets he’d been keeping weren’t out in the open? He supposed that it was what he wanted, even if it hurt.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But there was a hidden fortune, he noted. He’d heard their conversation when his own conversation with Jun had lapsed into silence. Something in the comic hadn’t matched up with what had happened. So they could assume it wasn’t real.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And everything would return to before.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They probably weren’t going to approach him anymore. Go back to seeing him for the rowdy member. He didn’t know what was worse, that everything he’d worked for was ripped apart and his facade had slipped, or that he missed being seen behind it already.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, Wyld, when were you going to tell us that the reason we got a dorm was a sasaeng?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You read that in a comic, and that Wyld also spoke to someone who can testify that conversation didn’t happen,” Jaewon replied, eyes on the floor as he stretched. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Apparently the sasaeng part did.” Dongho’s voice was icy. “We’re a team, there are certain things you need to tell us.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A team? Ahn Jaewon’s lips curled into a smile. Ah, that was nice to hear, just once more. Had things not fallen apart, then? Were they still in their awkward rhythm of pulling closer and pushing away, but a connection nonetheless?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We are a team,” Minsoo agreed with a cheer, and promptly sat on Jaewon’s back, laughing a little at the ‘oof’ their redheaded member let out. Daehyun pulled out his phone, beginning to record.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Say it, hyung!” Daehyun’s voice took on the tone he used when he was full of makane charm. It was fake. All fake.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They were keeping up pretenses. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon held his tongue, electing to try and push the leader off of him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ahn Jaewon don’t even try,” Minsoo giggled as their makane cheerfully goaded.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re not strong enough! Hyung’s butt is soooo big!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yah! Get over here you little brat!” Minsoo got up, and chased the youngest member around, Dongho easily stealing the phone to keep the video going. The blonde looked at Jaewon, whose confused eyes were on the phone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Say what?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tell the truuuth,” Daehyun goaded from under Minsoo. “We’re a teeeeam!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The truth? Are you still talking about the time we all got locked in the closet at that music show? I told you guys that it doesn-“ the redhead started , voice confused, before his eyes widened and his palm shot to cover his mouth in fear. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His real face became closed off, and Wyld was on full display. That wasn’t Jaewon anymore.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh! You meant you wanted me to say that we’re. A. Team?” His voice took on a teasing lilt, making Daehyun cheer.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But it was a slip, a chance to “accidentally” clarify a truth. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was so easy to post on his Instagram. And even easier to watch the fans’ questions boom in the comments.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘When did they get locked in a closet?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘What happened in the closet?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Was that the music show backstage when the media blew up over him making out in a closet?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">’If they were all in the closet, why was Wyld the only one in the news?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">’What about that situation had the others so upset?’</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘Why wasn’t the truth revealed if it wasn’t what the news cycles were speculating?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘About Wyld, why did the company do nothing about the scandals?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘If that scandal wasn’t real, were any?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">‘What’s the truth about Ahn Jaewon?’</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho smiled.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It wasn’t much, but this he could do.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Everything was supposed to return to the way it was before. Jaewon had stolen the phone late at night, thankfully with no chapters beyond fifteen. A sixteenth popped up when he checked the read status on the other chapters. That was the moment Jaewon knew he had to destroy it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He watched on a lazier day, as members tried to subtly search the dorm for it, and knew what he’d had to do.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The CEO had yelled at him, for the damning evidence that slipped from that one video. He had made Jaewon promise to not address it, and ask the others not to either. He had told Jaewon not to appear in those videos. Alibis were a danger to his rowdy title. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Staring at the smooth surface, Jaewon left the dorm, cap and mask on. His features let him blend into the crowds, until he reached the subway station. He’d been down there so manny times, it was instinct when the train was coming at that point. A slip of the hand and a mumbled curse at the arrival of the train, and the evidence that Ahn Jaewon and Wyld were different people was destroyed. He stuck behind, and looked at the pieces of the phone lying on the tracks.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’d shattered it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Good.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So why were his hands trembling?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Wordlessly, Jaewon left. Silence was his only option as he headed for the practice studios.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was late.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon didn’t care.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He danced. It didn’t matter if his muscles screamed in protest. He danced. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Maybe, he didn’t need to think at all. He just moved, instincts and rhythm and mind on his limbs and his limbs alone. What a rush, for once. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was a tiny video that he recorded of his dancing, not a big deal. Wyld was active on Instagram, often thanking fans on their own posts, so the video shouldn’t have meant anything.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So why was there a sudden controversy over an innocent video of him dancing?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He shut off his phone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon wasn’t one to curse. If anything that would be Minsoo.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But fuck the internet.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He stared at his phone, a video of Wyld on his Instagram page. Fans were arguing over a relationship being hinted by him dancing to a song by a particular female idol.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun knew better than anyone that he wasn’t that careless. Or that willing to have a conversation with girls. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Of course, Jaewon knew the internet well, who doesn’t know the identity of their repeated attacker?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Of course hyung knew that he was really being hurt by those behind screens, but he didn’t say anything because he was Jaewon. Slightly (who was he kidding- insanely) shy, kind, talented Jaewon hyung.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Self-sacrificial, beautiful, hardworking Jaewon hyung.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon hyung was the reason he had his friend back. Jaewon hyung was the one who had always given so much of himself for them. The one who was so happy just to see them smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But that Jaewon was also the Jaewon hyung who didn’t think they cared about him. The Jaewon who would give away every little piece of himself until all that was left were the pieces he didn’t like. The Jaewon who refused to lean on them or confide in them.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The Jaewon hyung who wouldn’t confide in or lean on Daehyun when he felt weak.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And why did that hurt as much as it did?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun respected his hyung. Over the scandals, he was the one who always wanted to chase after Jaewon and bring him back. He was the one who had faith in his hyung. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Did Jaewon know that?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He watched him dance, body limber as he continued endlessly moving to the beat. Did Jaewon know that? That he was precious, and deserved a person who would tear their own possessions for his mere comfort?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He watched people hurl insults at his hyung and paused, this was someone who sacrificed so much for his fans that he loved so dearly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun wanted to protect the hyung who he cared deeply for. But he felt so helpless. What could he truly do? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun buried his face in his pillow, turning his phone off.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It wasn’t worth this. He wasn’t worth this and MAYHEM wasn’t worth this. Jaewon hyung shouldn’t tear himself to pieces for them.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he never did know how to stop people when they were in too deep.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon, himself, was sick of his own head. Sick of all of it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But for now, he danced, phone screen on the floor where it couldn’t hurt him, thinking about nothing and feeling the intoxicating feeling of feeling a pain he chose. His muscles burned and twisted as he danced, unabashedly screaming wordlessly with his body, hair flying into a messy state, but nothing mattered too much about it. He wanted to feel something.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Everything was sensations, the rush of pain and an empty head more appealing than anything.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And that was everything and nothing at all. His mind was blank, the feeling heady and addictive. So he danced. Anyone might have taken a video for all he cared. For once, he didn’t care. He was so alone, who could make him mess up?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He danced because that’s what he wanted to do. Not what the company wanted. What being an idol demanded. Not for the eyes of the other boys, who were so close to his heart.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">How often did they really talk? Almost every conversation was caught on camera, them pretending everything was normal. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon was addicted to the ephemeral moments like these, in his loneliness he could pretend, at least a little, that it was a solitude he chose.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He knew in his heart of hearts that his body wasn’t his in the sense that only he used needed it, and that pushing it so far that it screamed at him was selfish. After all, he had shaped herself to look how people wanted him to look, and fought with his own insufferably loud brain so that the company had a product that they were happy with. He let himself get pricked and stabbed with barbed words so MAYHEM got their moments of airtime.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But when his body screamed in protest and the nerves tingled, it was only his. He was obsessed with it, hooked on it, drunk on that. In his pain was the most freedom he felt now. He didn’t have anything else to draw relief from but this. He was miserable and he knew it, staring at fake stars pasted to a ceiling nightly as he begged his own mind to be quiet for once. When he begged heaven for moment of relief in the world of stages and schedules and facades. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Everything about him was a facade and he got to drop it, and let out the darkness and the loneliness and the pain for once. Only in these lone quiet moments, could he let out what was in his head and his heart without fear of retribution. Only when he was truly alone was he safe to smile bitterly. And as far as his smiles went, how long had it been since he’d smiled fully?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He loved his fans and the others, yes, but did he even remember what his biggest and most joyful smile felt like anymore.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He landed oddly, now a few songs in, sleeplessness making him sluggish and the stray thought catching him off guard. He groaned, hitting his ankle against the wall.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was no issue, honestly, and he’d make it through their practices well. The sudden spikes of pain made thinking impossible, a delirium that ripped a smile from him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Though he could swear he could already hear the makeup stylists bemoaning the purple circles under his eyes. They had been the last few times they’d spoken.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He reminded herself in the back of his mind that for all of the high he’d gotten from those late nights over the past two weeks, the other members were a higher priority. He would need to cut back on his late nights for their sakes. Maybe save it as an occasional solace for when he felt like nothing was his anymore. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He danced on his foot, his muscles there crying out in such a burning way that was exhilarating. There was a fire underneath his skin and he loved it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Because it burned everything else away.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He returned to the dorm only to change, and returned to the freshly clean practice room.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the floors were too slippery, that burning pain in his foot was all that he felt, and he fell, crashing down, as the door opened.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“HYUNG!”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The doctors were concerned when CCTV played out for the past two weeks, citing that dancing as long as hard as he did was dangerous and might have even been deliberate.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A bit of footage from the CCTV itself had leaked and spread all over the internet, curious MAYNIACS everywhere dissecting his dance skills.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wyld seems... almost lonely, there. And there he looks like he’s crying with no tears and no sounds. Oh, and here you can feel him drowning.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’ve never felt emotion from someone’s dancing like this.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Was this for a special show?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Honestly, I can’t tell if that has a lot of technique anymore. It looks really good.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Waaah~ Look at the timestamp! I never realized Wyld worked this hard before!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Has Jaewon been polishing his dance?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And once again, freezing Minsoo to the bone. Another thing they’d overlooked, louder than bombs booming in his head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">How long had Jaewon been like this? To dance so well and improve so much and to still tear himself apart beneath his skin? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But what caught Minsoo’s, Dongho’s, and Daehyun’s eyes was the sudden wince, and glance towards his ankle. But that wince of physical pain made him break out into one of the most bright smiles they’d seen in private (not backstage, or in front of fans, or maybe even with them) for a long time. And it was a little worrying.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">If Minsoo was honest, it was fucking terrifying.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The company was actually upfront with them about the doctor’s report. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Now that he knew the truth, he wondered how long they’d been not seeing Jaewon hurting himself. And for what? For what was he hurting himself? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was their fault, wasn’t it. Minsoo pondered, his brain gleefully accusing him of his own faults. And he couldn’t openly do anything about it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A plasticky song from a girl group that anyone in the industry could tell was over-manufactured to the point of being impossible to tell their real selves was playing. Jaewon hyung had done that. Behind the scenes, did they at least know each other? The way they should have known Jaewon?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And what a sick irony their song was about a lying man?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Lies. Lies. Like Jaewon hyung had lied to them? And now he was unconscious and they didn’t know when he’d wake up, because his body had shut itself down to repair itself after he’d been putting it under utter hell? Lies like how he pretended everything was fine while the company ripped pieces of his soul and let him be barbed by vicious words? Lies like the face and name the company bastardized the building blocks of Ahn Jaewon into? The idea and word made him sick to his stomach. Absolutely ill. Dongho looked at him, eyes widening, and put a hand on his shoulder. His message was clear, Minsoo’s composure was slipping. In public. He nodded at the elder and got to his feet. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2">Don’t feel. You’re feeling now and it’s going to destroy you. Don’t feel or think about anything. The second you pause and look back, it catches you and you can’t breathe. You can’t escape a hurt for too long, and when it catches up- it will be stronger than you.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He needed to fight it or release it, and he didn’t know how. Was that why Jaewon had done what he had? Daehyun smiled tightly, eyes on the screen. Minsoo noticed and paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Dae?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Please just... don’t say the word lie. I don’t think I can hear it for a long time.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo changed the channel.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho, himself, cursed his own complacency.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’d believed that all the mystery and secrets were over. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So why was he still after all this time so clueless when the doctors came out and said Jaewon had been straining his own muscles so much that they were having trouble rebuilding themselves? Why didn’t he know that Jaewon had hurt his ankle and continued to dance on it, possibly damaging a nerve? He might have broken his ankle, and Dongho might not have known.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And that? Kinda hurt. No. It just plain hurt.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Their friend and bandmate had been pulling away from them since the very beginning, true.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But things had been on an upward from where it was lately! </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Still, when a producer explained that Jaewon had been dancing late into the night and through the wee hours of the morning, something seemed odd. The producer was a junior producer for company owned variety shows, and he’d submitted Jaewon dancing to a higher up but someone in the chain of transmission leaked it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The dancing in the video was unlike idol dancing, their choreographer had told them when the internet blew up. This was real bodily expression. And unless Jaewon had taken professional acting classes and been dancing since he was in elementary school, chances were that emotion was real.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo and Daehyun couldn’t understand a lick of the song, but it was rough and wild but the dance evoked pain that even they understood. There was pain in the contorting and shifting. This looked like a real art piece, not mere freestyle. Dongho knew the words and knew how much deeper that pain went. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And the fact that he hadn’t told them that either hurt too.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Days melded into each other as Wyld disappeared from news cycles. Which was more suspicious to fans than if he was on it, really. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo has gotten to a point where he actually made a fake fan account to vehemently defend Jaewon. A fan account? Who was he kidding, he made five. But it wasn’t enough. He had to do something. He needed to.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’d become a liar and kept adding layers of paint onto a crumbling wall. A wall that rotted from the inside out and only he could smell it. And it was rank and cloying and as he painted, all he could see was the wall behind the layers of fake he put on it. He sat with Jaewon, forgoing his games, spending as much of his time as he was allowed over the next week with him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was getting haggard, and their radio silence had fans gearing up for a comeback, waiting for teasers or a conformation any day now. He spoke to him, his words mouthing what he wanted to say like a prayer.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I want to be angry. I really want to be angry. Saying you’re okay so often is making a liar out of me. I wonder how many times I’d lied to myself. How many times you lied to us. How many times you lied to me. You mean a lot to me and now you’re not here. But all there I have is hurt. Do you know that I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until you were gone? I got used to being separated but I never liked it. Why couldn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t I have noticed before it was too late? Why couldn’t I have helped you? This is my fault, I think, more than yours. And the Jaewon I know would he anxious and insist it isn’t- he’d plead that I be nicer to myself. But are you nice to yourself, Jaewon? Is the Jaewon I know just another side of Wyld? Is he even who I think he is? You let yourself suffer barbed words and when we turned our backs, you still let it happen. Why did you sacrifice every piece of you for the ungrateful us? Why did you never tell us that you suffered for us? Why did you run away when we knew? Are we that undeserving of your forgiveness? Can we not be what we were once?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He clasped his limp hand.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry, Jaewon. I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was a sight, truly, the nurses that were nearby the door seemed startled by his face when he left.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Let them hear. Maybe it would do actual good, for once. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The moment the manager opened the practice room, where they anxiously paced more than they did any practicing to inform them that Jaewon had woken up, it was like a weight had dropped from his back and all he could do was run forward with the lightness left behind. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t think he would run the way he had when he awoke, but the other members chased right behind him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo had used (abused) his leader position to get alone with Jaewon. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He looked into his eyes. Wide dark holes that stole the air from his lungs.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon looked confused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why would you come for me?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wh- What?” He was crushed. Jaewon really thought that they thought so little of him. It was like when he was a kid and he’d dropped one of his brother’s textbooks on his chest. Crushing the air out of his lungs. He couldn’t breathe but his traitorous lungs kept shoving against the unbearable pressure in his chest.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon sat in the ward, they’d put him on drugs that numbed his nerves and filled the world with a syrupy sense of confusion. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He loved it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His brain was buzzing with empty and everything was empty. Minsoo cracked open the door to sit beside him. Jaewon barely felt his own mouth move, he didn’t remember what he said but it shocked the shorter man.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Are you gonna yell at me too? For what I did? I deserve it, go ahead.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo’s eyes watered as they hardened. An odd paradox.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t lie to us like that! Don’t lie to me like that!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">What?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t leave us like that. I’m begging you, please don’t leave me like that. I know you’ve been hurt on our behalf so often and maybe we don’t deserve your forgiveness, but Jaewon, you’re important to us. Yeah, we’re a bunch of blockheads, and maybe you don’t trust us, but we care about you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You do?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, we do.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You weren’t supposed to know,” the drugs pried Jaewon’s tongue loose. “I didn’t want you to know. I was happy that you could stand on stage, innocent to all the darkness that held it up. You know, I wondered if I could tell you for a long time and always decided I shouldn’t. What good comes from telling. Secrets keep the truth the truth. Everything else becomes tainted by the goals of the people speaking it. You know that, hyung?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo wrapped his arms around Jaewon.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, but our goal is to build a shield. To make them stop saying what they do about you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What would it do? Cleaning up my image? Nobody would believe it,” a dry laugh pushed out of Jaewon. “I’m just stuck with this, for the rest of my life.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Minsoo’s eyes took on a strange glint.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How long are you on absolute bedrest at home for?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Home. Their home. Jaewon liked that.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ten days.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If the CEO wants to talk to you, he’d have to drag his fat ass over to the dorm then,” Minsoo laughed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“H-hyung!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Perfect,” their leader gave a cocky grin like he did on stage sometimes. He ruffled Jaewon’s hair. “Dongho and I need to have a chat.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Huh?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A rumor about MAYHEM hit the cycles. Fans, starving for content, ate it up. Surprise, surprise, it was a Wyld rumor.<br/>But the substance was different. <br/>Someone had leaked that Wyld was in the hospital due to overworking. And that someone had also recorded a conversation between him and Minsoo. <br/>If it was real or fake became a giant debate across messaging boards and social media. And all the members kept up the radio silence. The company did as well.<br/>Dongho listened to the video, for the third time that night.<br/><em>“Don’t leave us like that. I’m begging you, please don’t leave me like that. I know you’ve been hurt on our behalf so often and maybe we don’t deserve your forgiveness, but Jaewon, you’re important to us. Yeah, we’re a bunch of blockheads, and maybe you don’t trust us, but we care about you.”</em><br/>Minsoo’s first comment sparked a lot of questions over the internet. Was Wyld leaving the group? What did the members do?<br/><em>“You do?”</em><br/>The soft voice of the redheaded member sparked another one: why did he sound so surprised?<br/><em>“Yeah, we do.”</em><br/>Dongho grit his teeth every time he heard that. Truly, they shouldn’t have let it get to the point where they needed to genuinely answer that question because the other party didn’t know.<br/><em>“You weren’t supposed to know. I didn’t want you to know. I was happy that you could stand on stage, innocent to all the darkness that held it up. You know, I wondered if I could tell you for a long time and always decided I shouldn’t. What good comes from telling? Secrets keep the truth the truth. Everything else becomes tainted by the goals of the people speaking it. You know that, hyung?”</em><br/>And this confused a lot of fans. What secret had Jaewon kept and why was it so important to MAYHEM and their success? If anything, he was always the one in a scandal- wouldn’t that be a detriment?<br/>But was it, some more astute fans realized, when the scandal was free publicity that hadn’t failed them and gained them lots of fans of the other members who stood in comparison? Sometimes MAYNIACS went and impressed them in ways they weren’t expecting. Dongho and Daehyun watched fans come to the realization that with their perception of Wyld, something was very wrong. <br/><em>“Yeah, but our goal is to build a shield. To make them stop saying what they do about you.”</em><br/>That right there. Told the world that they all knew what people said. That they didn’t want them saying it. <br/>People might think before they post, for once.<br/><em>“What would it do? Cleaning up my image? Nobody would believe it,” a dry laugh came from Jaewon. “I’m just stuck with this, for the rest of my life.”</em><br/>Image. The word their member used. To see people respond to this was a gleeful moment. <br/><em>“How long are you on absolute bedrest at home for?”</em><br/><em>“Ten days.”</em><br/>And then there was that. Everyone claimed that Wyld didn’t deserve to be an idol. Then proof of his skill and work (to the point of overwork) are out there. <br/>The media storm was intense. Views on videos of them skyrocketed. Conspiracy theory post threads or videos were everywhere.<br/> Was this a PR stunt for a comeback or new activity? Was this voice acting?<br/>They couldn’t confirm and would refuse to deny. The company couldn’t make a statement because then it would bring suspicion on a lack of other ones. But nevertheless he was excited. This was a step in the right direction. But they needed to make another. <br/>Minsoo approached them, while Wyld was sleeping in bed, unknowingly under brand new ceiling stars that they’d put there for him. <br/>“The CEO spoke to me. He asked about the conversation. I said I was more delirious with relief than Wyld was okay and he was more likely to know what had happened. Now here’s the thing, Wyld isn’t allowed to leave for any other reason than hygiene and the bathroom. He’s even supposed to eat in bed. So the CEO, for all his secrets, will need to come to him directly to avoid a video call being recorded and leaked by hackers now that the world is so curious,” their leader began, eyes glinting and a very clear plan. Daehyun and Dongho shared a look.<br/>“So you want to leak the conversation somehow?”<br/>“That’s the idea,” Minsoo grinned. Dongho frowned,<br/>“Daehyun hasn’t done a livestream or busked in a while, but while we prepped for our last comeback, he had the most social media presence.”<br/>All eyes on the youngest.<br/>“Gladly! We haven’t gotten explicit orders, so if a video of me busking surfaces, a hyung makes a suspicious tweet or post... a livestream will look like a comeback preparation!” Daehyun clapped his hands. “Minsoo hyung, if you look like you’re going over something leadernim-ish in the background of a selfie from me, and Dongho hyung makes the post-“<br/>“Everything should work smoothly!” The two members high-fived. Dongho frowned.<br/>“This needs to be airtight. How many days are we giving?”<br/>“Today or tomorrow,” Minsoo replied. “The CEO acts fast, and wiggle room is of the utmost importance.” <br/>Daehyun dug in his bag to find papers but Minsoo waved him off. <br/>“I have a few sheets of old documents here! Take the selfie when Dongho hyung says we’re in position, okay?”<br/>“Yes!”<br/>This was the teamwork they had when they had a serious goal. They stopped their messing around when their thoughts turned serious. They were a team, and even if they hadn’t always acted like a complete unit, they knew how to work together.<br/>“You’re good,” the eldest member decided, after the silver haired idol appeared honestly enough to be perusing the documents and .<br/>“I’m a little nervous, but we need to act fast. Can I get away with posting it with no caption?” Daehyun pursed his lips.<br/>“Announce that you finally have time to do some busking and give the details the way you normally do, then go. I’m going to change to workout clothes and take a selfie in the practice room.”<br/>“Brilliant!” Minsoo cheered. “I’ll keep an eye on specific details or any movements from the company and I’ll let you know right away.”<br/>Daehyun grabbed his speaker and ran to do his makeup and Dongho went to change. <br/>“Do I look okay?” He turned to the others, as he ran into the room five minutes later. Minsoo paused, and blended some of the eyeshadow and handed Daehyun a mask. He slipped it on and gave himself a once over before grabbing a speaker and hitting the streets. Dongho followed at a more leisurely pace in a loose tee and the jeans that he often wore to practice, mask already secured over his face. <br/>Twitter had erupted with the sudden photo. Questions about what papers Minsoo was frowning so seriously over and why Daehyun was doing what he did to promote after a radio silence when MAYNIACS were so used to content and no hiatus announcement was made. And why this was what they were getting instead of answers? Why were there never any?<br/>Then a practice room selfie hit the internet, with the caption “Busy.” underneath it. That just had to be a comeback confirmation, right? Was the refusal to say certain words in that video so long ago pertaining to a song? The members did actually spoil their comebacks preparations last time and fans thought it would happen again. Minsoo was downright gleeful when the others successfully returned, Dongho sooner than Daehyun, but each with news.<br/>“I told fans to their faces that about Wyld, I’m  not allowed to discuss the media about him. Back then I thought it was because they didn’t want me making things worse, ha!”<br/>“Letter of the law but not spirit,” Minsoo chuckled. Dongho smiled slightly as well,<br/>“I told Choi that Daehyun was bored and getting anxious because Minsoo wouldn’t stop pacing. Most of us were tiring ourselves out so we can get some rest. And that Wyld would probably be able to meet late tomorrow, if the CEO wanted to.” Minsoo frowned.<br/>“Hyung! That’s not subtle!”<br/>“I made sure to sound especially annoyed because of how it’s clearly a waste of time,” a malicious grin crossed Dongho’s face before it fell back into the stoic neutrality it normally rested in. <br/>“Hyung, you’re good at acting, maybe you should do the live?” Daehyun seemed to be in deep thought as the members ate, “I’m a pretty bad liar.”<br/>“Alright, but you and hyung need to keep the managers busy,” Minsoo easily agreed. “After all, now that I think about it, both of you made official posts but Jaewon and I haven’t posted yet.”<br/>“I’ll ask him to go shopping with me!” Daehyun laughed. “I’ll say it’s because I kept getting hounded with Wyld questions by reporters who recognize me and need an excuse to talk to someone else so I can ignore them! And that Dongho hyung said no!”<br/>“Alright,” Minsoo agreed. “This is the most reckless thing we’ve ever done and this might make our careers crash and burn. If you want out, say so now.”<br/>They looked at each other and shook their heads.<br/>“Yeah, I kinda suspected as much,” Minsoo smiled.<br/>“Has anyone woken up Jaewon so he could eat?” Dongho suddenly asked.<br/>With a loud bang from a chair falling, Minsoo stood up.<br/>“I knew I forgot something!”</p><p>The members looked at each other apprehensively. The manager would be here in a few minutes, Dongho was talking to another manager about a possible song produced by him on the phone and managed to get him to leave with him so he could show a producer and the manager. Minsoo was hiding in the bathroom when the door opened, the CEO was here. He entered Wyld’s bedroom and closed the door.<br/>Now, now, now!<br/>Minsoo started a live, titled with only the date, and let fans come in. His hands moved quickly, gaming skills assisting his fingers and his heart pounding in his ears. The trap was set, and now it was in fate’s hands. <br/>And if fate would shove a literal magical comic telling them the truth, Minsoo would like to believe it was on Jaewon’s- their- side.<br/>“Hello! I get to surprise you guys with absolute bare skin for this live, how rare!” Minsoo chuckled, watching the viewer count rise to insane heights and the comments whirl past.<br/>“Whoa! You guys type so fast, as expected of our MAYNIACS! I hope you’re only typing good things though!” He gave the camera a laugh and paused to read the comments, his earbuds were in and all, but the mic could easily pick up what was behind the door.<br/>“I need to know if I need to talk to Minsoo the way I talk to you,” their CEO thundered. “What did you tell them? Are you really so selfish to ruin things for the boys now?!”<br/>“I don’t know wha-“<br/>Minsoo laughed, interrupting Jaewon so he looked like he had no way idea what was going on behind him.<br/>“You want this to be a mukbang because I look so thin?” He had his excuse. “Okay! I’ll go get ramen, be right back!”<br/>Then he left, pretending he didn’t notice the noise in the background.<br/>“Just when I think I’ve gotten it through your thick skull, you go and screw it up. I’m almost impressed,” the CEO’s snarl was evident, as Minsoo let the water heat up and took out a package of ramen. He was furious, but he needed to let him dig his own grave, and that meant patience. Even when playing games, Minsoo hated being patient, but he needed to treat this like a game- one he would win. “This wasn’t the kind of media attention I meant when I said I want you catching articles and rumors!”<br/>There we have it, incriminating evidence, Minsoo watched the water, still. Truthfully he was repressing a cheer. Nobody would be able to deny that voice as the CEO. Nobody would be able to deny this was Jaewon.<br/>“This was like with the backstage photo, nobody knows who put us in that situation. Just like they don’t know the other members were locked in a closet with the backstage photo, or that I’ve never hooked up with anyone or even tried to in my life, they don’t know Minsoo and I actually had that conversation. But I’ll be more careful.”<br/>“Yes, you will. I thought you agreed to do this for them, seriously! Are you so selfish to ruin their performance and shot at fame by telling them all the stuff behind the scenes.”<br/>As he opened the ramen packet and added it, he clenched his fists. This man was a bona fide manipulator. He heard Jaewon’s pause.<br/>“They found out on their own only a few weeks ago. I destroyed the evidence to the best of my ability.”<br/>Destroyed the evidence? Minsoo barely held back a gasp as he put the ramen in a bowl and moved it to his desk. The disappearance of the strange phone! It had come into their lives oddly so they all had written it off as leaving them that way too! He nearly stuffed his hand inside his mouth to keep quiet. He needed to leave the live running in optimal hearing position for just long enough- and then quickly move before the CEO came back out.<br/>“It clearly wasn’t good enough. I expected better, Wyld.”<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>It sounded too close to wrapping up, but there was enough to work with. He didn’t want the CEO knowing he was there. Or that he was recording and live streaming.<br/>Minsoo walked back in the frame as fast as he could (what with the bowl of ramen and trying to act natural) and picked up the phone he was using for the live. He set it on the desk with his ramen in his room, plugging his earbuds back in.<br/>“I’m back! I don’t think I missed anything, do you?”<br/>And then he answered questions as nonchalantly as he could, mukbang live style. But he still strategically paused at the CEO’s parting words to “read comments.”<br/>“I’ll be having PR deny that conversation ever happened, even if the drugs in the hospital made you say things- you were too delirious when you woke up to have had a conversation. That’s the excuse, talk to him and make it consistent.”<br/>“Yes, CEO-nim.”<br/>“Don’t forget, any money I need to spend on the publicity to fix this- I can easily add it to your or MAYHEM’s debt.”<br/>“I- I understand.”<br/>“Then I’ll be off!” The voice had the slimy cheer once more.<br/>Minsoo read through comments, tactfully avoiding the ones screaming with the discovery.<br/>“Dae and busking? Yeah, I was busy and I kicked him out of the dorm!”<br/>Keep up comeback pretenses, Minsoo. That’s the cover. He let a faux-mischievous (okay, just plain mischievous) glint fill his eye, and he dropped his voice to a whisper.<br/>“I even kicked out Dongho hyung!”<br/>Most of the comments asked for answers to the questions he let them come up with but the chat was moving so fast that Minsoo only commented on that. He found another comment he could waste time on answering.<br/>“Radio silence? Oh, I’m sorry we didn’t post or anything for a while, you must have missed us, then? Life got really hectic, but I promise! MAYNIACS are always on our mind!”<br/>Yeah, the real ones who support the entire unit of four, that is.<br/>“Yeah! I do read your posts and I look at your fanart too! We all actually read a really cool comic about what people think our lives are like behind the scenes lately! It was so accurate it scared us!”<br/>Minsoo chuckled. Most of the comments were questions, most asking about Wyld.<br/>“‘I have a school project and I’m writing about the effects of sasaeng fans on idols. Can you tell me what your thoughts are?’ Sasaeng? Well if it’s for a school project, then sure! Only one of us has dealt with a sasaeng personally, he’s actually the reason we got a dorm. But we only learned later about the sasaeng because he was worried about telling us, a picture of him sleeping hit the internet because someone broke into his house,” Minsoo frowned angrily. “I don’t know about it personally, but to me it looks like it makes people feel isolated and uncomfortable to be alone. Like every breath is watched. Sasaeng fans who break into houses or track flight info or hack accounts are stalkers. That’s it. I’ve met an idol who is scared to use his phone because of picking up from callers who think they’ve got him. It’s plainly stalking, and the only reason it’s romanticized is because we are famous and have busy lives. We love our fans and are happy to interact! And we’re very grateful to the people who support us. But there is a line and some people cross it.”<br/>Another truth. How fun. A little voice in the back of his mind chided him not to reveal too much- because then it screamed deliberate. And he wasn’t exactly sure how legal any of this was.<br/>A text from Dongho, telling him to wrap it up. Daehyun had texted Dongho letting him know that a manager knew about the live and messaged the manager he was with to ask him to monitor. <br/>“Ah, hyung just texted me, he needs me for something. I’ll talk to all of you soon!” Minsoo waved and signed off. It was an acceptable time for most people to see it. The thing was, the live-streaming platform all the idols under their company used belonged to another media streaming service that didn’t allow for previous live-streams to be taken down- and they were available to watch even years later. So by tomorrow, the internet would be in further chaos.<br/>Minsoo couldn’t wait.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon stared at his wall, eyes dark. He was silent. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Inside, he was screaming. He wanted to run, slam himself into a wall because like this, he felt nothing but numb sort of pain. And it was all he’d ever ever run away from. The darkness was biting but smooth, like a snake. Cold and leaving him trembling with its inherent threat. It crept over him and wrapped around him in the silence of the room, and squeezed him so tightly that to stop breathing would not be anything but a relief. Why won’t his mind be quiet? All it did was scream at Jaewon and tell him a truth he wanted to escape- that he had failed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He hated himself for screwing up this badly. For ruining the glitter of joy in the other members’ eyes. He’d spilled the beans and ruined it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The CEO was right, that was selfish.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was selfish, wasn’t it? He wondered when the last time he hadn’t been selfish was. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">How reckless was it to want a feeling that was only for him, when he was responsible for the feelings of thousands of people? Techies, employees, crews, fans. To want to feel his own body and maybe feel like for once someone thought he belonged instead of his obligations to the people who supported him? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Just add it to the ever-growing list of reasons he hated himself.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But by the time he saw his ceiling, he noticed the white becoming hazy and yellow like an old photo. An old photograph, he noted, yellowed with age and frequent showing. A memory of love clung to by others years later. Would his photographs look like that, when he was long gone? Would he be forgotten like the old photographs nobody looks at? Without a scandal to his name, without being the rowdy one anymore. Or even with a messy history. There was nobody who’d care. Spots of gray danced across the sepia world. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And then everything went dark.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He awoke quietly, a sticky note on his forehead telling him to text the others when he was awake so they could bring him something to eat, it was signed with smiley faces and Minsoo’s scrawl. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">How embarrassing, he tried so hard to be the one to shield and protect them and not only did he fail- but they were coddling him too.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But in that embarrassment, there was relief. They still cared about him, even when he’d failed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He opened his phone to an influx of notifications from his social media accounts. Even in his scandals, the numbers were never that high. Ah, was this buildup? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Curious about what scandal had been fabricated to cover his disappearance, he scrolled through the comments. But he kept seeing videos of his conversation with Minsoo, and fans asking him not to leave MAYHEM. The drugs really had loosened his mouth, what a source of shame. He couldn’t blame a creepy, invasive, probably supernatural webcomic for that. This was all him. So that was what had made the CEO so angry and caused him to yell at Jaewon. A scandal or two and a comeback later and like anything pertaining to him they’ll just file it away to use for insulting but no longer be curious.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon kept looking for damage he’d need to cover. He didn’t want to, but he’d appear somewhere he shouldn’t if he had to. This state of questioning was dangerous. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His worried scrolling stopped at another video, a recording of a live when Minsoo left the screen to... make ramen? When had Minsoo done that?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But his confusion was quickly replaced with horror.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">This was yesterday. Yesterday when the CEO had assumed everyone was out and spoke freely and loudly like it was his office. Everything was out in the open, and his blood was cold.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">This could ruin everything. This would ruin everything.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He could see it now: fans assuming everything about the members was a marketing scheme and boycotting the group. If they were lucky, they’d pity the members and boycott the company.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But those numbers affected them- affected him. If they were boycotted in the end, then everything he’d done would be for nothing. He didn’t know if he could handle that. Fear crawled its icy hand up Jaewon’s spine. His phone slipped from his slack hand. If there was nothing he could do-</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A phone call. It was Jun.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, so your dumb ass woke up?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Consistent. Something had stayed the same.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” there was way too much relief there.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So I get that you didn’t want to tell me, but I gotta know. Was that why you were crying when we met?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A shocked laugh tore out of Jaewon. Typical Jun, blunt as ever. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, dunno why- I hadn’t cried in years.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The last time Jaewon had cried before this mess was in middle school. As an idol, when hadn’t he felt tears trying to build their way up anymore? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Figures you never mentioned the CEO as an okay person. What a piece of shit.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” Jaewon pulled his knees to his chest.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When you’re off bedrest, come back to the coffeeshop. If you’re not back as soon as possible, I’m gonna overcharge you next time you buy something, you hear?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Gotcha,” Jaewon smiled. It was a consistent friendship they had- weird as it was.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">On his bed, all he could do was think. And think and think. He hated that.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And now all he could do was think about how he not only failed, but he failed the worst way because he was in the hospital by his own mistake.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Sometimes he had wondered how sick it was to say that hurting himself made him feel the most alive. He’d probably be asked if he wanted to kill himself, noting how reckless those actions were. And his answer would always be no.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Why would he need to, as it was? The black hole he had for a self seemed to make him feel more dead than alive most days. Though maybe in death he’d finally be able to stop thinking. All he ever did was think and passively watch as people destroyed him or as he destroyed them. Maybe in death what people would say wouldn’t hurt him, the way he pretends nothing does with his false skin of invincibility and uncaring. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he had an obligation to his members, the closest thing he was ever supposed to have to brothers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So he had cherished pushing himself and fulfilling that obligation. Their smiles made the that the stars on his ceiling being fake and the barbed words a little less painful. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Because it was the closest imitation to anything his life should have been. Pale in comparison as it was. Their smiles that had nothing- but quietly everything- to do with him and the effort he’d put in. But he preferred it, because it lasted. What he did would last- all he’d had to do was keep it up.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he’d failed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was a failure and it showed and he’d never be able to escape it. The one who was supposed to draw media with scandals revealed everything by accident. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He felt like there was nothing he could really do right.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Maybe, being an idol was a mistake. If he’d never met the boys, would he care so much about them and be so willing to suffer?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Ah- could he really say it was a mistake if he knew that if he had the choice then he would meet them all over again?</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">In all the chaos, Daehyun was reminded, momentarily, of what Minyoung had told him about her own late nights.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Sometimes, she saw trainees gape at her and her group, when they stayed late at night and they were on their way to leave. That sense of otherworldliness afforded to celebrities, she noted once, comes crashing when all the hard work that goes into it is revealed. It tears down an image that people don’t even understand they’ve put up. They’d all put so much work into what they did, and it paid off. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Was this their own tearing down? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was so early in their careers, and they’d taken their own risks. It was quieter and more secretive than Jaewon’s, but they could not have stood happily on stage knowing their fall guy was about to get set up again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Even if it wasn’t Ahn Jaewon, their actions were basic decency. But for Ahn Jaewon, they were willing to balance their entire futures- because they owed him. They would never be successful without him. Daehyun believed in a different kind of successful than numbers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">To him, success was happiness. And he’d only be happy if all the people who were important to him were happy alongside him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he knew it was the same for his hyungs- even if they hadn’t said it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">MAYHEM needed Ahn Jaewon. Not for his talent or skills, as wonderful as they were, but because they were not complete without him. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Holy shit, you look like you haven’t slept in two years. Your eyebags look like they can carry the weight of everyone’s sins.” Jun looked up from where he was cleaning the counter to see Wyld walk in. The other members were all talking to managers about the media storm and everyone advised they make themselves super busy and unavailable because the CEO was angry. That had left Jaewon alone enough to escape the dorm for a few minutes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was true, the eye bags were big, and it honestly looked to Jaewon as though the facade was cracking and the darkness beneath it was peeking through. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It had bothered him that he referred to his own pain as darkness at first. Then he realized that there was nowhere else to put it. It had to stay in the dark or he was screwed. Everything that wasn’t pretty, he’d had to hide. Sometimes he’d hid it under a pretty varnish of “okay,” and sometimes he’d hidden it under the prettier varnish of wild and free. Fake shells that were so obviously separated from the truth, in hindsight.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he supposed his friend(?) was right. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m supposed to be back so they don’t know I left. But I’m dropping in to say that if you overcharge me, I’m telling your manager.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jun flipped him off before yelling at him to go back and rest. So he stared at the ceiling and tried not to feel guilty for a little while. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And after that the door cracked open.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was the others.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“Can I ask you something, hyung?” He broached carefully. They were hanging out by the bed where Jaewon hyung was seated.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah?” Jaewon hyung wouldn’t even look at him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Were you trying to kill yourself?” The question had been plaguing Daehyun since the doctors had told them what their scans had revealed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What good would that even do?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Tears had traced shimmering trails down the visual’s face some time before. Jaewon had been crying alone again. Daehyun hated that. Tears remained on his cheeks as he sat silently, and Daehyun listened to every word. Not because those words were whispered in the dark and not truly intended for them but because it was an answer. An honest answer. Jaewon hyung suddenly looked up at their eldest.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tell me Dongho, you’re smart enough to figure it out. What value is there in my death? I’m only of use if I can get in a scandal. Who am I without scandals at this point?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho hyung said nothing about the lapse in honorifics, instead wrapping his arms around the bedridden Jaewon hyung, who couldn’t do anything against it. His own voice trembled with tears as he spoke, a shock to them all. Kang Dongho didn’t cry. He didn’t tremble. He didn’t reveal weaknesses if he could avoid it. But his voice was pained when he let words form.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re Ahn Jaewon. Kindhearted, overly self sacrificial, Jaewon. A member of our team of four.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It would work just fine as three,” he tried to refute. Daehyun wouldn’t hear of it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tables with three legs when there are supposed to be four always topple, hyung.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“They can exist with three.” Jaewon hyung paused. “Why does a table analogy even work here?” Minsoo hyung ignored his off-track question. He would not let him direct the conversation from its track.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah some tables can, but ours can’t. We aren’t complete without you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon looked away.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If we stick to your analogy, I’m the leg that  poisons the tabletop. You shouldn’t want me around.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Well guess what, dummy hyung, we do,” Daehyun frowned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m the cause of everything that’s gone wrong. You’d be better off without me.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Bullshit,” Minsoo hyung chirped as he wrapped his arms around Jaewon hyung’s. He made no move to stop it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I have to know though,” Dongho started suddenly. “That comic that shows us from around the first year anniversary, what happened to it?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Threw the phone on the train tracks.” Jaewon hyung’s voice was muffled by Minsoo hyung’s chest. The hyung line just chuckled. They didn’t need it anymore.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Suddenly, a loud and persistent buzz caught their attention.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>Their phones were exploding with notifications.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Well there’s news... I think?” Minsoo frowned at his phone. “Another leaked video of the CCTV from those days is going viral.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Oh. Oh no.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ah, what are people saying?” He asked the question weakly. Minsoo didn’t hear him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How many of the dances are modern dance? This one is incredible!” Minsoo gaped at the video. Daehyun and Dongho leaned in to watch as well. Listening to the music, it was a song that Jaewon didn’t even remember dancing to. So if that said anything at all...</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Truthfully their choreographies were more hard hitting and performance based. The only reason that Jaewon had started dancing contemporary dance was the difficulty, and therefore effort, involved. His muscles had ached and protested but he had stubbornly learned to leap and move as though his entire body was liquid. Although whenever he had danced with movement to express pain, the facial expressions came all too easily. It was just how he felt but in those moments of solitude when it was only him and his movements, like those bitter smiles he bit back, he was free to let everything bubble to his surface and overwhelm him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Was it any wonder that he’d decided to start learning such a strenuous dance style on only the second late night? The opportunity to bury himself in something but still leave room to just... breathe? Really, it was a superficial high and a fake heaven and he knew that, but it was just a relief to own himself again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Whoa, hyung, I think you may have stolen the main dancer title.” Daehyun wrapped his arm around Jaewon, snapping him from his reverie.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What are they saying?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There was a fear in his voice that he wanted to curse himself for letting slip out. The others flinched at the nigh-ingrained response. Minsoo scrolled through, not bothering to filter which ones he said.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This one commenter said, ‘It’s like he’s swallowing pain by his own force there.’ Oh! This one said ‘I don’t even know the lyrics to the song so why do I feel hurt? Is it the dancing or just the look on Wyld’s face?’ They’re all good things! Compliments on your dancing and expression!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun snatched the phone from Minsoo. Like with the comic, which now felt like years ago, Jaewon made no move to stop them. “‘My heart aches so much. It’s like I’m seeing him cry.’ Or ‘I wonder how much pain is kept under the surface. How often did he lie and say he was happy so everyone else had a smile on their faces?’”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That hit a bit close to home.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This comment is talking about the technical dance style, I think it’s pointing out that you have a lot of skill but some movements are closer to our choreography’s style of dance instead of contemporary so you probably only started learning recently. Oh! There’s a continuation! They said ‘So tbh his ability to dance this way is hella impressive.’ You’ve passed the real-deal dancer test!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Dongho looked over his shoulder to presumably read more comments. His voice was a surprise when it cut in.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“‘I don’t even know how to react? Why am I so shocked?’ Another person asked, ‘Why is there a lump in my throat?’” The black haired member read aloud. He inhaled, “Jaewon, you... this kind of dancing and movement...” And stopped. As if he didn’t know how to put it into words. In a sudden move, he put his hand on Jaewon’s head, awkwardly patting his hair.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s okay to feel pain. It’s okay.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There was a burning in Jaewon’s eyes. And then came tears. Teardrops traced their once again familiar path down his face. He hadn’t the cried the way he’d been crying as an idol for years. And what did that say?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The stray thought stung. Jaewon was so sick of having to read lines between every letter. So instead, he just let the others hug him, feeling three heartbeats against his own.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be so supported in this world of heights and bleeding fingers from climbing them.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">In the quiet, he admitted a small thing to himself. He’d missed it. He’d missed it a lot.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The chaos that their life had flared into continued to burn.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The CEO... stepped down?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The ashes alone could ignite a wildfire. The briefing with all the idols and trainees under their company was the day Jaewon was allowed to leave the dorm. They’d postponed it so he could come.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The room, previously buzzing with gossip, went silent with the entrance of the rookie group. Some senior idols they’d only seen on screens turned their heads as trainees openly craned their necks for a view of the member who had caused all of this. Projects for debuts had been postponed or cancelled entirely, managers and coordis were being fired left and right, and in the chaos they actually had females and males in the same room just to get news out to the people who needed to be in the know. Senior idols were in the same room as trainees when rookie MAYHEM had never spoken face to face with an older group behind scenes, which said how much control of the situation had slipped from their company’s fingers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Manager Choi had been fired by the CEO himself a few days prior so somebody else had driven them in. Choi had insisted that he had no idea about what was going on- either with the members and the ill-fated(?) livestream or Jaewon’s personal circumstances.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Nobody had believed him. And they hadn’t asked Jaewon for the truth. To be fair, Jaewon himself didn’t know what Choi knew.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">If anyone were to ask him, it would just be the CEO lashing out. Which was less unusual than most people realized. He’d cool off and return to his typical malevolently slimy state soon enough. But now that this had happened, the CEO would take it out on him and force him to do something drastic. Would he exploit him into a legitimate sexual situation and not just images? Pretend he had set it up to clean Jaewon’s image and it backfired? The thought nearly made him tremble, but he was too aware of the eyes on him. He needed to keep on his mask. The less people understood how much of an emotional mess he was, the better. If he couldn’t get that far with the members, he at least needed to with outsiders.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He paused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Since when had he once again considered the other members as insiders? They’d worked their persistent selves right back in and Jaewon really wasn’t upset about that. If not for the incredibly awkward situation, he might have smiled at the realization that they’d glued themselves back together again. <br/>He’d hated their guilt that wasn't deserved. Maybe they felt like they’d turned their backs on him but Jaewon never really had. A guilty knowledge that they would carry guilt over this stung at the back of Jaewon’s mind. But he’d never had to forgive them because he was never upset. And maybe that was naive, but they were his teammates. What was to be said?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The gossip of the other occupants of the room was enough to guess what this was about. The CEO had been pressured by the board to step down and a new CEO was taking his place. Since then, and official statement had been put out that anyone who even might have been in the know was purged from their position. But still not a direct apology towards Wyld, MAYHEM, their fans. He saw Yuna and Mirae, girls everyone knew of as trainees for being child stars, with two other girls. He waved awkwardly at them, he knew their debut had just run its course before this mess had hit the public, not that he’d been able to see any of it because MAYHEM was in their own mess back then. A stab of guilt for stealing attention away from them when they should be steadily rising rose in his gut. But they all smiled politely at him and returned the wave. He’d never met them, but everyone knew of their members. The trainees eagerly watched the two newest groups silently interact. This was the furthest he ever really interacted with girls around his age. There was a slight wariness before they noticed how wary he was, too. Then a girl with purple braided hair gave him a big smile. He nodded and surveyed the room. Everything was so weird about this setup.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daniel Park, the soloist was there. And the duo, Joker. </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Real</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> senior artists. Johnny and Serephina were talking quietly between themselves as MAYHEM looked around uncomfortably. The others in the room weren’t sure whether to look at the industry giants, the currently big groups like CPC or ROOS.T, or the rookie groups. Especially the rookie group that for all their clout, had shaken their company’s infrastructure. He didn’t know if the eyes on him were hatred, awe, or pity.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A HR worker awkwardly stepped up to the front of the room, announced what was already being said in the rumors and said managers would be in discussions with individual acts to discuss how they’re allowed to address it and left like her blouse was on fire.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But their driver only informed them of their schedule upon returning to the dorm, and a request from PR for radio silence for the day, and left.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They looked at each other, awkwardly silent before Minsoo suddenly spoke.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I feel like we should celebrate? Like video games and cheating on our diets?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Daehyun smiled, eyes curling cutely.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And this is why you’re our leader.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Relaxing with the others was freeing, a nostalgia but not emotion that he recognized immediately as his overflowing fondness for these... dorks. And all the stress and discomfort from those eyes that were searching and the probing and concern from strangers just... melted off. He didn’t want to think about the media or their company going up in flames internally at the moment.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And for once with company matters pertaining to them, he didn’t have to.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the next morning, nerves wriggled in Jaewon’s gut.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">This was their first interview since their image crumbled. How often were groups interviewed outside of promotions? Especially rookie groups?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We’re going to let you guys speak super candidly, because I think you’ve earned the right. But please just keep things PG,” their new manager smiled at them. Jaewon still didn’t remember his name. He’d been introduced that morning when they were all half-asleep.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But there wasn’t really time to consider that because they were rushed into the live set after the introduction that they’d heard from backstage.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hello and welcome to Spill-It-All! The show where we ask incredibly invasive questions and celebrities get to speak candidly! I’m Park Jamie and I’m here with one of the most discussed groups on the Internet right now! It’s very rare to have newer idols on the show. In fact, this is our very first rookie group! Welcome, MAYHEM!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They filed on and did their typical greeting and self introduction before the host smiled kindly at them and explained how the show works.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I have the internet’s biggest questions about you guys- and you’re all able to answer them as candidly as you want! We speak to the companies for you guys to have that kinda freedom so as long as what you’re saying is appropriate enough for daytime television, anything goes!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They all laughed and she turned to the first card.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wyld-ssi, in the videos that revealed everything, there were a lot of hints that you didn’t tell the others. If that’s the case, why?” How did he do interviews where he was supposed to be himself? Tell the truth? It was still surprisingly difficult to do. He must have fallen out of practice. But he did his best.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“‘All that pain but you still paint a pretty picture. Paint that pretty picture and nobody will know. If nobody knows, nobody can tear the image.’ That’s the line of thought I held with the others. So I rationalized my silence and distance as helping them. I suppose that in everything pertaining to our relationships, both sides weren’t happy in the end.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Distance?” The host blinked at him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It was only after they learned what had happened that they felt like they could approach me. Because if I looked to them the way I looked to everyone else, they must have thought I didn’t care about them all too much.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So the reason there were very few videos of the four of you until recently was for that reason?” The question was aimed at Dongho, this time. The eldest member merely nodded. Minsoo took over.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He spent very little time with us in general, because he was always either practicing alone, fiddling with his clothes or phone, or doing his best to dodge fake scandals.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If the CEO wanted you to make scandals, why did you try to dodge them?” The host asked, which was a fair question, even if the other members looked upset. He patted Minsoo’s hand and smiled bitterly, which calmed the others a drop.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I accepted the position at first when it was offered to me, after I tried to return someone’s money and an incriminating picture was taken-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Eh?” The host looked up from her cue cards and blinked in surprise at him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes. The first scandal was because a woman entering a club I passed on my way back home dropped her wallet and I followed her to give it back. She’s the one who grabbed my wrist first, and I took hers to take it off of mine.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">”So why did she say what she did?” The host wasn’t even looking at her cue cards anymore, unabashedly asking her own questions. The others seemed slightly upset, but Jaewon was relived because she wanted to know. She cared about learning who he really was and didn’t want the branded Wyld. She didn’t care for the person who wasn’t even a person but a persona that was so over-manufactured it may as well have had a trademark or copyright next to the name.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The CEO paid her to. When I was called in, he had me write a false apology. He said that since I’m a rookie there was nobody who’d believe me. So the only way to help MAYHEM after I’d ruined things was to make sure I kept ruining things to draw attention.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And that started this whole mess,” the host concluded, lips pursed. She looked genuinely upset enough that the other members calmed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon nodded.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“But then things spiraled. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without a scandal popping up. I walk into a closet by accident when trying to find a bathroom and I’m messing around, I smudge my make up and everyone thinks some girl did it, I look at flowers and I’m dating. I couldn’t breathe anymore, it was a vicious cycle where everything about me that was available to anyone else was always turned as a sword against me- and there was nobody who’d protect me from it back then, either. I’d drifted away from the others physically and they thought I didn’t even care about them anymore.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The host winced at Jaewon’s honesty. So did the other members. To be fair, it was held back for long enough and with enough tension to slap hard. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Truthfully, that was how we found out.” Minsoo added helpfully. “We were all locked in the closet backstage at a music show and he was the one who banged on the door to get us out. He was the third member to leave the closet- but then his picture was everywhere because people were saying he must have messed around with someone in there.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I remember that scandal!” The host clapped her hand over her mouth. “The network apologized for letting people with cameras backstage like that and landed under a lot of fire for that being what they apologized for.” They had?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon frowned, “I feel bad about that.“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t.” Dongho glared at Jaewon.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He was actually brought in to talk to the CEO the next day. We wanted to interrupt the meeting, thinking the CEO was lecturing, like a drama. Barge in and yell that he had nothing to do with it,” Minsoo stated. Daehyun snorted and Dongho shook his head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No. You wanted to do that and we came for the ride,” he refuted blandly. Minsoo pouted.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Anyway- we heard the CEO’s words and everything... sorta clicked? There was a lot of missing information, but enough to paint a decent picture of what was going on.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Hold on.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wait, you guys did what?!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You didn’t know?” The host asked him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Eyes wide, he shook his head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He probably looked comical, but the host went right back to the cards. They were lucky because this live show was supposed to be a several hour open livestreamed show and there were a lot of allowances made just for them because of everyone’s curiosity, but they still needed to move at a decent pace.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“All the members always made happy appearances on SNS, while under that lifestyle where you all happy?” She seemed worried about the answer, which was fair. Idols being unhappy doesn’t fit the image. Nobody likes their pretty pictures ruined. Jaewon knew a lot about that.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“While we didn’t know, yes we were. Though we were upset about how our relationship with Jaewon hyung deteriorated. Even Dongho hyung, who’d never admit it. After we learned the truth there were very few times that we were really happy. We had to deal with our own emotions too, we were so furious with ourselves for not knowing, so guilty about letting hyung fave that alone, and so hopeless about what we could possible do. SNS was what we used to hold on to the times that we were. But actually, what about you, hyung?” Daehyun turned to Jaewon. Jaewon paused, in some ways he was.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I never really resented anyone. Our MAYNIACS mean a lot to me, and I’m always really happy to speak or communicate as long as things are appropriate. But happy is a hard question to answer. When I got to see the others smile because we’d succeeded or see to fans who supported us and how hard we work, it makes me smile a lot.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s surprisingly wholesome,” the host teased with a wink. “I think the candid Wyld is a lot cooler than the one we see on stage. What do you guys think?” The question was aimed at the live audience, who cheered in response.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That was... actually kinda nice.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What was it like, dealing with those hate comments? It’s a big issue lately, so talking to somebody who can give a message of honesty is such an opportunity to do good.” Her smile was kind, and the other seemed to appreciate that she wanted honesty. Truthfully, he was a little surprised that she wanted to speak so openly against the uglier sides of the internet. But he was able to do something. He was! He paused to think before he spoke.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It wasn’t fun, I can say that. Everything nice about me or how hard I, personally, work just doesn’t matter and all I see is people saying bad things. So I think, ‘Ah, is that all there is to me? Am I really just not as good as I like to think I am?’ I couldn’t really resent the people who posted them because they were just going on the information that was available to them. I must have looked like someone who shouldn’t be an idol to them and they thought they were doing the right thing.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Saying mean comments about people you’ve never met and don’t know much about isn’t the right thing. He just tries to rationalize everyone so they don’t sound as bad,” Minsoo grumbled. The host smiled brightly and laughed as Jaewon waved his hands in protest.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“H-hyung! I do not!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What were you just doing, then?” A smirk was crawling across Dongho’s face.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Heat rushed to Jaewon’s cheeks and he pouted, argument lost.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The audience cooed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The way everyone found out was a livestream that made everyone think there were comeback preparations but Minsoo-ssi, you left at a pretty convenient time. Was that on purpose?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Pass.” Minsoo’s eyes were innocently wide and the host snickered.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fine, but I will ask this about the live- who had the sasaeng?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hyung did,” Daehyun said plainly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Daehyun-ssi, you have three,” the host looked like she was trying not to laugh.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah but there’s hyung, there’s </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>hyung</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, and there’s </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>the</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> hyung,” Daehyun’s grin was positively shit-eating. Jaewon felt bad for the host, who was struggling to keep her composure. Really, she looked like she was about to laugh until she cried and the only reason she wasn’t was the topic at hand.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Enough, Dae-ah. I had the sasaeng. We didn’t have a dorm and I lived alone, but a fan gave me a stuffed animal that turned out to have a tracker. At one point a camera appeared in front of my apartment and I just assumed it was the landlord’s. He had an idol living in his building and he didn’t know what kind of people might try to get in, he’d said as much when I’d moved in. But then the camera was gone and there were pictures of me sleeping on my house on the Internet. The police thought it was probably someone I’d slept with, and I couldn’t say anything to break the image. But I’ve never slept with anyone in my life, so I knew something was incredibly wrong.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re a virgi-? Thats beside the point. The police didn’t believe you?” The host’s eyes were wide. Jaewon grit his teeth. Was he even at a point where he was able to feel angry about what had happened? He didn’t know how good of a thing that was. But being able to completely deny something was like breathing after being held under water for so long. And about the subject, Jaewon wasn’t even embarrassed to say as much about himself.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes I am. And no, they didn’t. I ended up inviting over someone I barely knew so I wasn’t alone.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“A friend? Is that person an idol?” Idol friendships were exciting to fans of multiple groups, her interest made sense. But... ah... The idea of the take-no-prisoners and openly rude Jun as an idol made him laugh.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Nope,” he stated simply. Minsoo turned to him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Coffee-shop guy, right?” They’d probably asked a manager, since Jaewon didn’t tell people things. “I don’t mean any disrespect, but he looks like the type who’d roast you at the suggestion.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon choked on his chuckles before bursting into full-blown laughter. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, that’s him. He subdued her and called the cops. He then proceeded to be super passive aggressive to our manager about us not having a dorm.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I overheard him asking you once if everyone at the company made one want to break into hives,” Daehyun giggled. Oh, that day. A day everything either fell apart or stuck itself back together and nobody was sure which. The members could have pretended everything was lie, believed the worst in him, for reality into what they wanted to think, like that he’d liked his role or had done every scandal in truth. The thing was, they hadn’t. They weren’t sure what had happened with the comic’s mistake, but it had led them in the direction of the truth. What an irony that the comic was called Lost In Translation, but it fixed what was lost in translation between Jaewon and the others. A sting of guilt (when wasn’t he feeling at least a pinprick of it these days) for destroying the phone that had saved him, saved them, flashed through him. He looked at the makane and laughed lightly to respond to his comment. He was a mild person in truth, so his... quasi-friendship with Jun was a bit strange. The host openly laughed at that.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’ve never met this guy and I already like him. Did you press charges?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It wasn’t the kind of bad press the CEO wanted.” Jaewon shrugged. “I needed to be reckless, wild and loose. Like a bad boy fans want to tame. There’s no room for pity, there.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You... a sasaeng <em>broke into your apartment</em>, <em>the cops refused to believe you</em>, you had to rely on someone you <em>barely knew</em> to handle her, and your <em>company</em> didn’t even move to protect you?” The host looked angry, amusement gone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We got a dorm after that?” Jaewon offered. It didn’t not seem to appease her. Which made the members look at her with respect.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jaewon was beginning to think the others approved of the notion of this host being the only host they ever worked with.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And get this- we didn’t even learn about the sasaeng from <em>him</em>. Or until a few weeks ago!” Minsoo complained. The host groaned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not really supposed to be as candid as the guests on the show are but honestly this situation just keeps getting worse. You didn’t know about the scandals then?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We learned the truth two months ago.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Your debut was a <em>year and a half</em> ago!” The host yelped. “What happened there?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">”Trust me, we were all furious with ourselves for not realizing. Ahn Jaewon was a selfless and overly quiet trainee. There was no way for him to have become such a person,” Dongho frowned and Jaewon sighed.</p><p class="p1">”I kept it a secret. I didn’t want you knowing.”</p><p class="p1">”We don’t have to like that fact,” Minsoo pointed out, Daehyun nodding furiously beside him. The host watched silently, expecting Jaewon’s answer. Their narratives really had split off, huh?</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Uh, well, my first scandal was a month post debut. Things continued their trajectory until the sasaeng incident which was before we released our second comeback. That’s around six months ago?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Trajectory?” They all blinked at the odd word, but Jaewon shrugged.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, everything increases or decreases over time. Nothing can remain static in a world like ours. In my case, the scandals and hate comments increased steadily and the distance between myself and the other members did too. After the sasaeng, the rate exploded. Not clear as to why.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She only looked at her next cue card, obviously unsure how to reply to that.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alright, so there was a period of radio silence and apparently Wyld-ssi was in the hospital. What happened there?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ahhh... I overworked and hurt my ankle. And slipped.” The host looked confused.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You hurt your ankle... and then you slipped?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Dummy-hyung danced on it,” Daehyun explained. That stupid nickname again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stop calling me that!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You earned that one,” Daehyun pouted at him. “For thinking that we’d ever be better off without you.”<br/></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He hit his head and was unconscious for a while. We stopped paying too much attention to much else because we were worried,” Minsoo tried to clarify as the host seemed to catch on to something as she looked between Jaewon and the others</span>
  <span class="s1">. Dongho sighed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I remember the CCTV, some of the footage got spread around the internet afterwards. But before that there was a video submitted to higher-up that hit leaked along the chain. Some people thought it was for a special show at first.” Her pitying look evaporated into excitement.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, that! Your dancing was incredible, Wyld-ssi! It’s clearly the product of time and effort spend working on it. But uh... in the future please be a bit more conscious of your health.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ah, thank you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t really know what else to say.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Now let’s put the past behind us. Are you happy, Wyld-ssi?” The host threw her cue cards over her shoulder, no longer reading from them- even if there was a hefty stack left.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Now? I think I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.” He didn’t even need to consider.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The other members gathered around him and hugged him around the middle. Minsoo rested his chin on Jaewon’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’d better believe that you’re only going up from here.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Let’s win a music show first,” Jaewon laughingly responded. The host clapped.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And good luck to all of you for that! Everyone, this has been MAYHEM! Let’s wish them all the best!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They exited to the sound of roaring approval. For their real selves. For his real self. And things were finally looking up.</span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>They’d find themselves looking back on this moment even years later. Because this was their debut as what MAYHEM should have been from the beginning.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>Oh, and about those music shows? They went on to win plenty of those.</span>
</p>
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